Today I have visited with God several times and it is just 1:20PM. Anxiety and Fear are keeping me close to God today. I know that God will take care of me and protect me and give me the strength I need to stay focused and to let the anxiety and fear go. He has control of my life, and I give it to Him freely every day. I want to do more, to be more, and to experience more.
My bible has been open on my desk since I came home from working at the church and I've even been back to the church again today. It wasn't to work although I did help the ladies out in the auditorium with envelopes and note pads... just so they could get finished quicker. I did go to our library and picked up two books. One is a commentary book that covers from Proverbs through Ezekiel. I only wanted Ecclesiastes, but now I think I'm going to read the whole thing. The other book is called Halley's Bible Handbook and gives you background info on all the books of the bible as well some history and other things. I've not started reading it yet, just thumbed through. I need more information.
In the Bible I've read my devotional scriptures from my devotional reading for today, as well as a couple of chapters in the Book of James, one in Hebrews and now it is open to I Corinthians. I'm waiting on an email with some information from a Sunday School lesson a couple of weeks ago, but I have some studying to do. I just need clearer understanding, and I know that God will help me as I'm reading, because I have prayed and asked for His guidance, wisdom, knowledge and understanding of His glorious word.
As for as my recovery goes, I'm still working on my self-inventory and I've got a list of 14 things so far, and on Saturday I realized, that my name needs to be on that list along with the things I need to answer for and ask forgiveness for from friends, family and others. Some I will never be able to address as those people have left this world to go be with Jesus. I'm also on the look for a new sponsor, and I believe I will be talking to a couple of the ladies at the meeting on Thursday night.
Here is one of my verses for today: Hebrews 4: 16 (KJV) Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Another: Ephesians 2:18 (KJV) For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father.
These two seemed to stand out more prominently than the others for today. I wish you all a truly God Filled Day. Love, L
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
A step forward in my journey
I started my self inventory and was able to share in our recovery meeting last night. We are in small groups and it makes it so much easier to share. I still get very emotional about things, but last night I talked about the compulsive eating disorder and one of the ladies prayed with me individually after group.
We always start a group session off with a prayer for everyone there, and to bless the food. Then after we break into smaller groups to share and go over the questions in the books, we pray before we start and we always close with a prayer. Everyone is very nice.
It is amazing at some of the stories and the feelings that get shared. When you look at a person that you pass on the street or see in a crowd or even that you see every Sunday at church, you have no idea what that person has gone through, going through or is trying to overcome.
There is one thing that we all have in common in the group and that is Jesus Christ. He is our higher power and without Him, there is not cure for our hurts, hangups, or addictive compulsive behaviors. He is the only one that can cure us and it is a struggle for us to give up control. Last night as I shared, I stated that everyday, I ask Jesus to take control of my life and I freely give it to Him. I ask only to live my life for Him, doing whatever He would have me do. I explained to an accountability partner last night, that I know that before I can go forward with a life for living strictly for Christ, that I have to finish my journey down the road to recovery. She said, "Yes it is one step at a time. One day at a time. Stay in the Word and when you start to feel things going astray, pray." She is very sweet and you can see the joy and happiness in her face. She looked at me last night and said, "You look so much better this week. I can see the difference in your face." It made me feel good that she could see the light of the Lord in my face.
I'm not sure what God has in store for me once I finish my journey, but I know that it will be His will, His time, and at a place where He things I need to be.
May you all have a God Filled weekend. Love, L
We always start a group session off with a prayer for everyone there, and to bless the food. Then after we break into smaller groups to share and go over the questions in the books, we pray before we start and we always close with a prayer. Everyone is very nice.
It is amazing at some of the stories and the feelings that get shared. When you look at a person that you pass on the street or see in a crowd or even that you see every Sunday at church, you have no idea what that person has gone through, going through or is trying to overcome.
There is one thing that we all have in common in the group and that is Jesus Christ. He is our higher power and without Him, there is not cure for our hurts, hangups, or addictive compulsive behaviors. He is the only one that can cure us and it is a struggle for us to give up control. Last night as I shared, I stated that everyday, I ask Jesus to take control of my life and I freely give it to Him. I ask only to live my life for Him, doing whatever He would have me do. I explained to an accountability partner last night, that I know that before I can go forward with a life for living strictly for Christ, that I have to finish my journey down the road to recovery. She said, "Yes it is one step at a time. One day at a time. Stay in the Word and when you start to feel things going astray, pray." She is very sweet and you can see the joy and happiness in her face. She looked at me last night and said, "You look so much better this week. I can see the difference in your face." It made me feel good that she could see the light of the Lord in my face.
I'm not sure what God has in store for me once I finish my journey, but I know that it will be His will, His time, and at a place where He things I need to be.
May you all have a God Filled weekend. Love, L
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A Self Inventory - hurts, hangups and addictive compulsive behaviors!
I finally started with the inventory on Tuesday, the 20th. I had a friend who has been through this partly get me started and now it just seems to be falling into place. It is harder than one would think... remembering things that have happened, things that have been said or done to you, and then trying to figure out if something you do is a compulsive addictive behavior. Oh and for those of you out there, a computer can be come an addiction. LOL! Farmville, Farmtown, Frontier Ville... Need I go on???
Anyway, I've got about six things listed so far, but I remembered a couple of more things that I'm going to add later today. I may pull out some pictures and look at them so I can see if it jogs my memory some more. One of the things from my past that has always been there in the back of my mind, sometimes in the front, made me examine the way I treated people afterwards and up until recently. This is very difficult to talk about, but I want anyone who is experiencing anything remotely like this to understand. I tried not to get close to people, trusting, or loving them. It made me wonder if I had ever made my daughter feel unloved. She is 24 years old and after thinking about our life before we were married, I wondered what damage I might have done to her. Finally yesterday when she went home for lunch, she called me. We talked about several things, but then I stopped her and told her I needed to ask her something. Something that was very painful for me, and upsetting, but it would help with my recovery. She has been great about this whole thing and stood beside me. Anyway, she knows about this particular incident and I can out and said, "Did I ever make you feel unloved when you were growing up? When it was just us?" And as I was crying fearing for the worst response, she said, "Momma, you have never made me feel unloved, ever in my life." Okay which made me cry that much harder.
Okay so that is done, but I'm no where near through and there will be other things that I will probably have to ask her before this is all through, but I know without a doubt she will be there to help me through this, along with Norman, and the rest of my family.
I hope that this helps someone else who maybe starting their inventory and having to come to grips with life. It is hard, but it is one day at a time. May you all have a God Filled Day. God Bless. L
Anyway, I've got about six things listed so far, but I remembered a couple of more things that I'm going to add later today. I may pull out some pictures and look at them so I can see if it jogs my memory some more. One of the things from my past that has always been there in the back of my mind, sometimes in the front, made me examine the way I treated people afterwards and up until recently. This is very difficult to talk about, but I want anyone who is experiencing anything remotely like this to understand. I tried not to get close to people, trusting, or loving them. It made me wonder if I had ever made my daughter feel unloved. She is 24 years old and after thinking about our life before we were married, I wondered what damage I might have done to her. Finally yesterday when she went home for lunch, she called me. We talked about several things, but then I stopped her and told her I needed to ask her something. Something that was very painful for me, and upsetting, but it would help with my recovery. She has been great about this whole thing and stood beside me. Anyway, she knows about this particular incident and I can out and said, "Did I ever make you feel unloved when you were growing up? When it was just us?" And as I was crying fearing for the worst response, she said, "Momma, you have never made me feel unloved, ever in my life." Okay which made me cry that much harder.
Okay so that is done, but I'm no where near through and there will be other things that I will probably have to ask her before this is all through, but I know without a doubt she will be there to help me through this, along with Norman, and the rest of my family.
I hope that this helps someone else who maybe starting their inventory and having to come to grips with life. It is hard, but it is one day at a time. May you all have a God Filled Day. God Bless. L
Monday, July 19, 2010
Road to Recovery - Self Inventory - July 19, 2010
Today I had set aside to do my self inventory for recovery. I went to the bedroom, lay down on the bed with pen and paper. I stared at a blank sheet of paper until I fell asleep. Even though the book tells you how and what to do, it is a lot harder than I had anticipated.
It says to go back as far as you can remember and to start there. Some of my memories I'm not sure are memories, but maybe they were dreams. The earliest hurt I can remember was when I was 14. It kind of ruin my summer and my teenager perspective.
Although I will share my road to recovery, I won't be sharing my self inventory, just the steps and the how I'm doing trying to finish and accomplish it. I do know this, and it was an "a-ha" moment this weekend. What I know is this, that until I complete my recovery, I cannot move on with what God has in store for me and my husband. I have given control of my life to God. Everyday, I pray for God to show me where and what I need to be. Now I know there are some that will say that I don't need to do that everyday, but I do, because of recovery, I'm learning to live one day at a time, and for me to do that, I have to hand to God everyday.
I want to live my life for God, using my God given talent. I'm not sure exactly where that will be or what exactly He will give me to do, but I do know this, that I'm ready or will be soon. I'm not talking about going into the foreign mission fields or anything like that, but maybe it is just that I need to be there for someone to talk to, but whatever it is that He wants me to do, my life is His.
My husband and I both have put God first in our lives. My husband is second in mine as I am second in his. Our families are next, then our jobs. We just discussed this in Sunday School along with Spiritual gifts.
On a side note, they lady I asked to be my sponsor has accepted on a trial basis. I'm getting her a copy of the 8 principles and the 12 steps comparison. I have it ready to take to her in the morning.
I'm going to continue to persevere and I will make it through this part. I just need to get started and I'm sure the rest will flow.
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40.
May you have a God Filled Day!
L
It says to go back as far as you can remember and to start there. Some of my memories I'm not sure are memories, but maybe they were dreams. The earliest hurt I can remember was when I was 14. It kind of ruin my summer and my teenager perspective.
Although I will share my road to recovery, I won't be sharing my self inventory, just the steps and the how I'm doing trying to finish and accomplish it. I do know this, and it was an "a-ha" moment this weekend. What I know is this, that until I complete my recovery, I cannot move on with what God has in store for me and my husband. I have given control of my life to God. Everyday, I pray for God to show me where and what I need to be. Now I know there are some that will say that I don't need to do that everyday, but I do, because of recovery, I'm learning to live one day at a time, and for me to do that, I have to hand to God everyday.
I want to live my life for God, using my God given talent. I'm not sure exactly where that will be or what exactly He will give me to do, but I do know this, that I'm ready or will be soon. I'm not talking about going into the foreign mission fields or anything like that, but maybe it is just that I need to be there for someone to talk to, but whatever it is that He wants me to do, my life is His.
My husband and I both have put God first in our lives. My husband is second in mine as I am second in his. Our families are next, then our jobs. We just discussed this in Sunday School along with Spiritual gifts.
On a side note, they lady I asked to be my sponsor has accepted on a trial basis. I'm getting her a copy of the 8 principles and the 12 steps comparison. I have it ready to take to her in the morning.
I'm going to continue to persevere and I will make it through this part. I just need to get started and I'm sure the rest will flow.
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40.
May you have a God Filled Day!
L
Friday, July 16, 2010
On the Road - July 16, 2010
My journey down the road to recovery is very emotional. In a post or so back I talked about getting a sponsor. After some major praying and a talk with the Associate pastor, I asked a lady at church. I gave her the responsibilities and she said she felt unqualified. I told her not to worry and just to pray about it. I told her if she decide against, that was fine and I would understand.
I have continued to work the book and I'm on principle 4/step 4 - Self Inventory. I've done all I can do now until I take inventory. I have a form, and since I have arrived at this step, my sleep has become even more erratic. I sleep 5 or 10 minutes, jerk awake because of a dream and then lay awake for 10 or 15 minutes and the ritual starts all over.
This is very important that I finish this. I will not let Satan win and cause me to turn away. I feel like I have accomplish much already and know that once this is done, I will be able to forgive and ask for forgiveness from those I've wronged. Remember Jesus is the only one that ever forgets. We as sinners or saved sinners, remember. It is a way that keeps us on the straight and narrow, because if we remember the pain, then we won't go down that road again. Now I know there are some that will disagree with that statement and that is your option. It is however, the way I believe, and it is what is taught in Recovery.
I'm sure that before it is all said and done, I will experience more pain, sadness, and tears, but I will also experience happiness, love and joy remembering the good things. I have a major support team so I know that I will succeed, and then maybe I can be there to help someone else make that same journey or a similar journey down the road to recovery. Right now, I just try to live One day at a time, and with my Savior's help, I'm succeeding. God Bless!
I have continued to work the book and I'm on principle 4/step 4 - Self Inventory. I've done all I can do now until I take inventory. I have a form, and since I have arrived at this step, my sleep has become even more erratic. I sleep 5 or 10 minutes, jerk awake because of a dream and then lay awake for 10 or 15 minutes and the ritual starts all over.
This is very important that I finish this. I will not let Satan win and cause me to turn away. I feel like I have accomplish much already and know that once this is done, I will be able to forgive and ask for forgiveness from those I've wronged. Remember Jesus is the only one that ever forgets. We as sinners or saved sinners, remember. It is a way that keeps us on the straight and narrow, because if we remember the pain, then we won't go down that road again. Now I know there are some that will disagree with that statement and that is your option. It is however, the way I believe, and it is what is taught in Recovery.
I'm sure that before it is all said and done, I will experience more pain, sadness, and tears, but I will also experience happiness, love and joy remembering the good things. I have a major support team so I know that I will succeed, and then maybe I can be there to help someone else make that same journey or a similar journey down the road to recovery. Right now, I just try to live One day at a time, and with my Savior's help, I'm succeeding. God Bless!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Man, Satan, or Jesus Christ
Who is your higher power? If you have been to an AA meeting, or NA meeting or have participated in a recovery group, you know that they talk about finding your higher power. I am part of a biblical based recovery group that is based on the eight beatitudes and follows the normal 12 step program using eight principles. So as far as a higher power goes from a Christian stand point, because I am a believer, here are your choices for that higher power. One, you can continue along the road of destruction and follow man and the things of this world, and you will continue to do the things that cover up the pain, instead of succeeding at recovery. Two, you can follow Satan. He is a higher power and there are a lot of people, occults that follow him. If he is your choice and you follow him, he will lead you down the road to hell and to burn for eternity. The third choice is Jesus Christ, the ultimate higher power. He is the power I have chosen. I actually chose Him as my higher power when I was twelve, but like Peter, I lost faith because of the things that happened in my life and so I started down a path that I thought was where I needed to be. I thought God had left me. That was not true, God will never leave you. You can turn your back on Him and do all manner of things, but He will be waiting for you with open arms, a forgiving heart, when you return.
It is hard to know some times what causes us to take our eyes off of the true and only living God. That is where recovery comes in. It is about getting our faith back or accepting Jesus Christ into our hearts and lives. Giving God control, giving Him our burdens, asking for Him to heal us, and seeking forgiveness or giving forgiveness to others. I am only on the fourth principle and I still have a long journey to travel, but God will be there every step of the way. Why do I know that? Because He never left.
Have a God Filled Day, ask Jesus Christ to be your higher power and live in your heart.
It is hard to know some times what causes us to take our eyes off of the true and only living God. That is where recovery comes in. It is about getting our faith back or accepting Jesus Christ into our hearts and lives. Giving God control, giving Him our burdens, asking for Him to heal us, and seeking forgiveness or giving forgiveness to others. I am only on the fourth principle and I still have a long journey to travel, but God will be there every step of the way. Why do I know that? Because He never left.
Have a God Filled Day, ask Jesus Christ to be your higher power and live in your heart.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
July 8, 2010 - I attended Recovery tonight
It is just after nine o'clock at night and I had to write about my recovery group meeting tonight. It was such a struggle for me to even go tonight. I had to push myself out the door and across the street, but it was all worth it. The group leader met me at the door and I got a nice big hug and immediately started to cry. It has been such a battle over the last few weeks which I understand is pretty normal working through the first book, but I've been told that the next book will be an even bigger struggle. I don't care. God is with me, He never left. I was the one that lost faith and sank. Jesus reached into the water and pulled me up recently. I'm swimming again. That is the message of our group, "Sink or Swim". I've chosen to swim.
I know the next steps are a self-inventory. I must also find a sponsor and or an accountability person. I'm praying that God will lead me to that person or people. A few people have suggested I find an AA meeting to attend or get the book as well or the NA group and the book. I don't want to be overwhelmed with reading. Some days it is all I can do just to get through the day, must less read more than just my recovery books. I may look up the AA meeting here in town and see about it.
Next week we are going to meet as a big group again. I'm not sure I'm prepared for that, but I know that God will see me through. I have such joy in my heart tonight, and I'm pretty sure there is a smile on my face.
So for those that are reading here is who I am: I'm a drug addict, a drunk, I have compulsive obsessive disorder and I'm a compulsive overeater. I molested at the age of 14 by someone I trusted. These are a few of the reasons I'm attending recovery. Now I could have said "I was in a bad place. But now I'm here." That doesn't tell anyone my story, and as I take the self inventory over the next few weeks, I will share more of my story. God will tell me what I should share and what I shouldn't, but I'm not ashamed of who I was, because now more than anything, I know that I am a child of God, and He never left me. I just took my eyes off of Him. Now with His help, my hurts, habits, hangups and addictive compulsive behavior will be taken care of. He has control over my life, not me. He is my higher power, not Satan, not man. God is my teacher and the Lord of my salvation. I wait for Him every day. May you all have a God filled night and a Blessed day tomorrow.
Psalm 25:5 (King James Version)
5Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.
I have been clean for 23 years, 130 days and sober for 189 days.
I know the next steps are a self-inventory. I must also find a sponsor and or an accountability person. I'm praying that God will lead me to that person or people. A few people have suggested I find an AA meeting to attend or get the book as well or the NA group and the book. I don't want to be overwhelmed with reading. Some days it is all I can do just to get through the day, must less read more than just my recovery books. I may look up the AA meeting here in town and see about it.
Next week we are going to meet as a big group again. I'm not sure I'm prepared for that, but I know that God will see me through. I have such joy in my heart tonight, and I'm pretty sure there is a smile on my face.
So for those that are reading here is who I am: I'm a drug addict, a drunk, I have compulsive obsessive disorder and I'm a compulsive overeater. I molested at the age of 14 by someone I trusted. These are a few of the reasons I'm attending recovery. Now I could have said "I was in a bad place. But now I'm here." That doesn't tell anyone my story, and as I take the self inventory over the next few weeks, I will share more of my story. God will tell me what I should share and what I shouldn't, but I'm not ashamed of who I was, because now more than anything, I know that I am a child of God, and He never left me. I just took my eyes off of Him. Now with His help, my hurts, habits, hangups and addictive compulsive behavior will be taken care of. He has control over my life, not me. He is my higher power, not Satan, not man. God is my teacher and the Lord of my salvation. I wait for Him every day. May you all have a God filled night and a Blessed day tomorrow.
Psalm 25:5 (King James Version)
5Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.
I have been clean for 23 years, 130 days and sober for 189 days.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Recovery: Need A Sponsor
Although I haven't been attending the meetings at church for the last month, I have been working through my first book of the Celebrate Recovery work books. I just finished the first book and have completed Principle 3. I have picked up the second book and have read the first page of the first lesson three times. In this book, it says I must have a sponsor, someone who will hold me accountable but it must be someone I can trust.
Trust, that is a major word for me. Trusting people is one of the issues I have, and still have although I'm trying to learn to trust other people. I know God is always there with me and I trust Him. The last few weeks working through the book, I have questioned my salvation. I wasn't really sure I had asked Jesus to live in my heart and be a part of my life. It didn't feel like it some days and then other days, I knew God was there, but God is always there. Taking these first steps in Recovery, I've learned two things for sure.
One, that I cannot fix the hurts, hangups, habits, addictive behavior or compulsive behavior alone. Jesus has to do that or help me to do it. Second, I have no control over my life, but God does and I have given Him that control.
I pray every morning now and write in my journal. When I pray, I write. It's like writing a letter to God. I just save the postage. Anyway, my search for a sponsor has started. Someone suggested I interview a few people from church, but if I have to share my deepest darkest secrets, do I want someone from my church? I don't know that I really want a stranger, but I have to trust this person to keep what I'm telling them to themselves? Here is the trust issue. What will I do? Where will I find my sponsor? I'm sure God will lead me to the person that needs to be my accountability partner.
Live one day at a time. You cannot change the past, and the future is in God's hands. Let God have control of your life and it will become a life full of joy. Have a God Filled Day.
Trust, that is a major word for me. Trusting people is one of the issues I have, and still have although I'm trying to learn to trust other people. I know God is always there with me and I trust Him. The last few weeks working through the book, I have questioned my salvation. I wasn't really sure I had asked Jesus to live in my heart and be a part of my life. It didn't feel like it some days and then other days, I knew God was there, but God is always there. Taking these first steps in Recovery, I've learned two things for sure.
One, that I cannot fix the hurts, hangups, habits, addictive behavior or compulsive behavior alone. Jesus has to do that or help me to do it. Second, I have no control over my life, but God does and I have given Him that control.
I pray every morning now and write in my journal. When I pray, I write. It's like writing a letter to God. I just save the postage. Anyway, my search for a sponsor has started. Someone suggested I interview a few people from church, but if I have to share my deepest darkest secrets, do I want someone from my church? I don't know that I really want a stranger, but I have to trust this person to keep what I'm telling them to themselves? Here is the trust issue. What will I do? Where will I find my sponsor? I'm sure God will lead me to the person that needs to be my accountability partner.
Live one day at a time. You cannot change the past, and the future is in God's hands. Let God have control of your life and it will become a life full of joy. Have a God Filled Day.
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