Emotions behind Letters of Recovery

 I sat today and started writing letters to help with my recovery.  The emotions that are moving through me today are almost surreal.  Between the emotions of this and life in general, I find myself on the verge of tears. 

Anger, hatred, abandonment, hurt, spite, disgust are just some of what I am feeling.  Being inferior, unworthy, judgmental, sarcastic, and wanting to strike out against those I truly love is difficult to keep under control. 

I am fighting with all my strength today and have called upon God many times.  Three different hymns keep going through my head all at the same time, and I’m very tired. 

Doing this is bringing back many memories and feelings that I don’t really want to deal with or have to deal with and I guess I really don’t have to.  I can walk away right now and never take another step forward.  Is that what I truly want?

I sometimes wish there was a switch that I could flip and become the person that has not bad experiences, no bad memories, no feelings of being a lone or deserted.  There is no one out there that has the perfect life. There is only one that was ever perfect and walked upon this earth. 

My emotions are on a roller coaster every day, each hour, every minute.  I fight constantly to keep this at bay, but I can’t be someone I’m not.  I don’t want to be someone I’m not. 

It has been 480 days since I’ve had anything alcoholic.  Yesterday I would have killed for a shot of tequila.  The want was so bad, I could almost taste it. 

I seem to be having difficulty finding what I need these days.  I have Jesus and I talk to Him probably more than He wants to hear from me.  The outside world has a big part in this, and I truly hate it when it takes over and I can’t get on top of the dirt. 

God hear my pleas!  Help me to sort this out and finish.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Too Much Thinking

My husband laughs sometimes when I'm caught up in thought and he says, "What's up?"  My most usual reply is, "Nothing.  I was just thinking."  He usually knows that I will end up asking him something or telling him something that I may not have shared with him before.  We met and fell in love so quickly that we don't know everything about each other and our past is not something we talk a lot about. 

I was very naive about the way our life would be when we got married.  I had hoped that his children and my daughter and us would be what they now call a blended family.  I was wrong.  We only see his kids at his mother's or other family functions around holidays.  I don't know how to reach out to them.  My daughter only lives a little ways from us and we see her a lot.  She loves her stepfather and tells him so often.  I'm glad.  She only had my dad as a father figure growing up and she lost him in a year ago in February. 

I guess what I'm really trying to get at is that no one knows the future, except God.  He wants us to live in the present, not the past, and definitely not the future.  However, that is very difficult.  I try constantly, and I know that when the past is brought to the future, that the devil is at work.  I also know that God is always with me, no matter where I go, when I go, or what may happen.  I try to trust fully in the Lord, again that is harder than anything else I try to do. 

Today, I need God's strength, because today I am at a point where I don't care.  I'm void of feeling or maybe I feel too much.  There are days like today, when I would rather live some where in the middle of nowhere, with no one around but my husband and kids, and the dogs.  I want to hear nothing more than nature rushing around me.  I want to see the green of the earth, the beauty of God's hand all around me.  I don't want people or the drama they bring invading my space.  I, also know that is being selfish, but that is currently the way I'm feeling. 

I long for the day when there are no worries, no sadness, no tears, no heartache and no more lies. 

Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

God Bless you all!
Love, L

A Day To Reflect

Over the last couple of days, worrying has me too stressed out.  So this morning, at six, when the alarm went off, I was basically awake.  I had been up and down all night, too much water right before bed time.  However, as I laid there awake, life seemed to ease up some.  Today has been a day to re-think, re-form, and re-do things in my life.  Kind of like a make over.  I stopped and thought about where I want to be in the next 3 to 5 years.  Norman will be 60 on his birthday, and I don't want him to have to work until he is 80, 75, 70 or even 65, unless that is what he wants to do.  I don't want us to have to rob Peter to pay Paul, so to speak. 

So this morning, I cried out to God and asked Him to hear my pleas.  God always hears us, even when we don't see His answer right away.  I know now more than ever, than going back to school for my degree was the right choice.  Have we had to make some decisions that were difficult?  Yes, and we do every day as we re-evaluate where we are headed and what we want and what really matters. 

I read devotionals and people's post about letting our light shine so that others can see Christ in us.  I don't know that I always do that, I try, but I'm sure I fall short.  We live a pretty clean life.  Is it totally clean and do we stay totally aware from the conformity of the world we live in?  No.  Can we?  It is a struggle each and every day that we and all Christians live to not be pulled into the world.  Does everyone that accepts God go out to reach those that are lost?  Do new Chrisitans really understand what it means to be a Christian?  I don't know.  I know that I didn't. 

As a Christian we are suppose to help others that are lost or have turned away from God, to find the way home.  I don't know that I have ever done that, but I hope that with my blog posts, and the friendships I have, that I do impact someone's life every once and awhile.  I don't read my bible as I should.  I'm sure I don't pray often enough, but how often is enough.  We could pray every day all day long, and it still probably wouldn't be enough. 

I shared today how I'm an emotional eater, and the person I shared it with, is a pastor's wife, who struggles with that as well.  She is a blogger and someone I look up to for her walk with God, and how she tries to do what Christ wants all the time.  I wish sometimes I was more like her. 

So as a day of reflection, I'm going to turn more to God instead of food when I feel lost, stressed or void of human emotion.  There are days when I don't feel or what I feel is un-named.  Anyway, so today is a day I start again and try to be the best I can be for the Lord, for my husband, and my family.  That is all I can do and I just have to recognize that is the solution, not the problem. 

May you all have a blessed and glorious day!  I am, and will continue to do so!  Satan cannot steal me from God.  He can tempt me, but I have to be stronger and realize that God is there with me and all I have to do is ask. 

Love, L

Two Volumes In Your Life?

Tonight's sermon was very good.  One thing that really hit tonight was the pastor stated that everyone should have two volumes or be two volumes in a book.  First volume, your life before you knew Christ.  Second volume, your life after becoming a Christian.  I've thought about that a lot since he said it.  I love Brother Joe and his sermons.  Sometimes it might take a day or two for it to sink in, but when it does, I usually come up with other questions.  Tonight is the first time I've been to service in about three or four weeks.  Too much life in the way, and I know that is no reason to miss, but pain killers that knock you out and pain you can't deal with is. 

Back to the two volume set.  I'm not sure my first volume would be very big.  I was about 11 or 12 when I first asked Jesus to live in my heart.  At 14 things happened that sent me far away from God, and I never really made it back until the last three years.  Oh don't get me wrong, there were years or times that I never missed, but it didn't change the things I was doing, or saying or the way I was living.  In the last five, I have attended church more than in my whole life. 

I guess my question is this...If volume one is my life before Christ and volume two is my life after Christ, what do I call the section in between?  It is the past and for the most part I can leave it there, but occasionally, the devil likes to trip me up and throw something in my head, that makes me think what if.  Does he win?  Not very often, does he make me have regrets, fears and worries?  Absolutely. 

So when you look at your life, do you have two volumes?  Is there a section in between that you aren't sure what to call?  Do you only have one volume?  If you only have one volume, my prayer to you is this, that you meet someone you can show you how to have someone love you unconditionally for the rest of your life.  My prayer is that you meet Jesus Christ, accept Him as your savior, and start living, instead of dying in a lost world. 

I hope that who ever reads this will share it with others.  I do try to live my life for Christ, but self does get in the way.  I try to be good, real, and honest.  I don't like fake people or those that pretend around you.  I fight be judgmental constantly, I think part of that comes back to a trust factor. 

Search your heart, search your soul.  Where is your path headed?  Do you have fire insurance?

Love, L