Making Amends: A Step to my Recovery

I haven't written about my journey through recovery for awhile because I'm sort of at a stand still.  I'm at the portion of recovery for making amends, seeking forgiveness and forgiving.  I'm not sure I can take this step.  Yesterday as a matter of fact, if I'd had any Jack Daniels in the house, I probably would have had a drink.  Sad thing is I'm so close to completing a year of being alcohol free, I would have kicked myself a thousand times afterwards and been angry. 

So I've been thinking about this step a lot.  There are some people who will take my apology, or what I'm seeking amends for and be the type of person to smile, say that's okay, or I love you and there is nothing to forgive, or I'm sorry.  However, there are some people who will not, and even though I will have done my part, and the next part is their responsibility or what they will be accountable for, it scares me to death to take that step.  Norman and I have had this conversation, and it is true what he has said and that is that some will not even acknowledge what you are doing or they will think they have done nothing wrong, or they will be vindictive and mean.  I guess that is what scares me the most.  My husband just takes whatever is said and shrugs it off.  I am not made that way and can't just shrug something off. 

I believe in being honest, truthful and have always said, "If you don't really want to know then don't ask me.  I will be honest."  I have tried in the last year to tone the way I reply to people so not to hurt anyone.  It takes a lot for me to do that.  I'm not sure what that says about me as a person.  If I constantly have to watch what I say and how I say it, does that make me a mean person.  I'm not.  I'm very tenderhearted actually. I cry over the stupidest emails especially if animals are involved.  I cry at movies that I shouldn't cry at, and I cry sometimes just because. 

Fear is a tactic of Satan, and I let him win a lot of times.  I will just back away, or avoid a situation, or look away from a person.  I didn't use to be the kind of person that backed down, no matter what.  But I guess I finally got tired of being called mean, rude, crude, abrupt, and angry.  I guess I finally felt defeated because I was trying to do a job, or be what I thought someone wanted me to be. 

I've let remarks go by without saying anything, and have been humiliated.  I have listened to things said by people I trusted and thought were friends only to find out there never really were.  It is the whole trust thing. 
So as I try to figure out how to complete this step, I stress over what will happen.  My sponsor said that God will let me know who and when to make amends to.  That it is in His time that all will come to pass.  I know this, but it still hangs out there looming over me like a great big sign.  "You Have To Finish This". 

I have attended a recovery meeting in about six weeks.  I will go back.  When?  Only God knows that, of that I'm sure. 

Can You Hear?

Its that time of year where you see Christmas lights, Stores decorated for Christmas and you hear Christmas music every where you go.  One of my favorite Christmas songs is "Can You see what I see?"  That must have been a very magical or guess a supernatural thing they night the Star appeared.  The time when Christ's birth was announced and the star directed the wise men and shepherds to Him. 

We don't have a star directing us to Him now.  We have His written word. 

Although none us probably read it, take it in, or devour it like we should, it is there to give us and remind us of His promises.  We can read His word and every place there is a promise, it is not just for Israel, it is for every child of God and for those looking for Jesus. 

There are many times when I stand in worship service and cry during the invitation.  I know that it is God tugging at my heart, convicting me, and calling me to do more.  What more?  I'm not sure, but I know that as long as I keep praying and asking God for His direction, give Him control of my life, that He will continue to provide everything I need.  My faith is tenfold more than it use to be.  My trust is tenfold more than it ever was. 

God does not let people down.  He does not forsake us, and He never leaves us.  We are the ones that turn our backs and walk away.  Why?  Because of something we don't understand.  As a child of God, I am trying to live my life for God, to spread His word, and to show others just who Jesus is, the one true living God.  There is no other!  All the other religions worship gods that are dead.  My God, My Jesus sits on the right hand of the Father. 

Do you know Jesus?  Would you like to know someone who loves you unconditionally, no matter what you have done?  You can.  It is for everyone, not just the chosen people. 

May God Bless You as you read this blog today!  May You have a God Filled Day!  And if you don't know Jesus, I pray that He will send someone to you, to show you how to meet Him.  Your life will be forever changed. 

Love, L

Don't Be Afraid to Ask For Help

The economy stinks right now and because of the business that my husband is in there are times when he goes for weeks without work because of the weather, and just because it slows down at this time of year.  I work part-time at the church and freelance/ghost write but can't make more than a $100.00 a week so far and that doesn't happen very often. 

There have been times when I didn't know how we were going to pay rent, or utilities or buy groceries because of our money situation.  I've never really had to worry until this past couple of years, because I was always in Corporate America and made good money. 

Well because of the economy, weather and just life, I have had to look for resources for help.  Food stamps is a place to go for help if you need it, but there are sometimes other options.  There are many community outreach centers that offer things like a food bank, or maybe even a church that helps with utilities.  Never think there isn't some way to get help.  Just don't wait until your are about to get your lights disconnected.  My family has stepped in many times over the last year and we couldn't have made it without them. 

Although some churches don't offer this kind of assistance, the United Methodist Church here in town, helps with your utilities.  Thank You God for giving me the courage to call them.  There are other places in town that help as well.  One is called the Good Samaritan.  They have a food bank, and a store where you can buy clothes for very cheap.  I bought a really cute, long blue jean skirt to wear.  But there even have suits for men and women so if you have a job interview, go for it. 

The Texas Department of Health and Human Services does offer assistance, but more so if you have a family or children.  Look around you area and see what kind of assistance is available if you need it.  Start with your church and see what they can recommend.  I really think all churches should help some way especially for their members, but I guess I understand if they don't.

May God Bless You in All You do.