A Self Inventory - hurts, hangups and addictive compulsive behaviors!

I finally started with the inventory on Tuesday, the 20th.  I had a friend who has been through this partly get me started and now it just seems to be falling into place.  It is harder than one would think... remembering things that have happened, things that have been said or done to you, and then trying to figure out if something you do is a compulsive addictive behavior.  Oh and for those of you out there, a computer can be come an addiction.  LOL!  Farmville, Farmtown, Frontier Ville... Need I go on???

Anyway, I've got about six things listed so far, but I remembered a couple of more things that I'm going to add later today.  I may pull out some pictures and look at them so I can see if it jogs my memory some more.  One of the things from my past that has always been there in the back of my mind, sometimes in the front, made me examine the way I treated people afterwards and up until recently.  This is very difficult to talk about, but I want anyone who is experiencing anything remotely like this to understand.  I tried not to get close to people, trusting, or loving them.  It made me wonder if I had ever made my daughter feel unloved.  She is 24 years old and after thinking about our life before we were married, I wondered what damage I might have done to her.  Finally yesterday when she went home for lunch, she called me.  We talked about several things, but then I stopped her and told her I needed to ask her something.  Something that was very painful for me, and upsetting, but it would help with my recovery.  She has been great about this whole thing and stood beside me.  Anyway, she knows about this particular incident and I can out and said, "Did I ever make you feel unloved when you were growing up?  When it was just us?"  And as I was crying fearing for the worst response, she said, "Momma, you have never made me feel unloved, ever in my life."  Okay which made me cry that much harder. 

Okay so that is done, but I'm no where near through and there will be other things that I will probably have to ask her before this is all through, but I know without a doubt she will be there to help me through this, along with Norman, and the rest of my family. 

I hope that this helps someone else who maybe starting their inventory and having to come to grips with life.  It is hard, but it is one day at a time.  May you all have a God Filled Day.  God Bless.  L

Road to Recovery - Self Inventory - July 19, 2010

Today I had set aside to do my self inventory for recovery.  I went to the bedroom, lay down on the bed with pen and paper.  I stared at a blank sheet of paper until I fell asleep.  Even though the book tells you how and what to do, it is a lot harder than I had anticipated. 

It says to go back as far as you can remember and to start there.  Some of my memories I'm not sure are memories, but maybe they were dreams.  The earliest hurt I can remember was when I was 14.  It kind of ruin my summer and my teenager perspective.

Although I will share my road to recovery, I won't be sharing my self inventory, just the steps and the how I'm doing trying to finish and accomplish it.  I do know this, and it was an "a-ha" moment this weekend.  What I know is this, that until I complete my recovery, I cannot move on with what God has in store for me and my husband.  I have given control of my life to God.  Everyday, I pray for God to show me where and what I need to be.  Now I know there are some that will say that I don't need to do that everyday, but I do, because of recovery, I'm learning to live one day at a time, and for me to do that, I have to hand to God everyday. 

I want to live my life for God, using my God given talent.  I'm not sure exactly where that will be or what exactly He will give me to do, but I do know this, that I'm ready or will be soon.  I'm not talking about going into the foreign mission fields or anything like that, but maybe it is just that I need to be there for someone to talk to, but whatever it is that He wants me to do, my life is His. 

My husband and I both have put God first in our lives.  My husband is second in mine as I am second in his.  Our families are next, then our jobs.  We just discussed this in Sunday School along with Spiritual gifts. 

On a side note, they lady I asked to be my sponsor has accepted on a trial basis.  I'm getting her a copy of the 8 principles and the 12 steps comparison.  I have it ready to take to her in the morning. 

I'm going to continue to persevere and I will make it through this part.  I just need to get started and I'm sure the rest will flow. 

Principle 4:  Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God and to someone I trust.

"Happy are the pure in heart."  Matthew 5:8

Step 4:  We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord."  Lamentations 3:40.

May you have a God Filled Day!

L