A Few Things

Recovery Meeting Last Night

I attended my recovery group meeting last night and it had been two weeks since I had last attended.  It was a good meeting, sharing and we are working on HOPE in our books.  We always open with a prayer and close with a prayer.  It wasn't as large a meeting last night as we have had before.  I usually love the meetings and it wasn't that I didn't love the meeting last night, but there was an awful lot of over talking last night.  We didn't even really get through the question we were working on in the book last night.  That is okay too!  I guess I was just needing more last night and I didn't get what I needed last night.  I know It's not all about me. 

I've not picked up my books for more than a month, until last night and we as a group are working on the first book.  I, as an individual, am working on the third book.  It may take me a long time to finish that book.  It deals with making amends, asking for forgiveness and confronting those that have hurt me.  This is a necessary step, but I'm not sure I can do it, and I know I definitely can't do it without Jesus Christ beside me. 

I still pray the prayers in the books about my hurts, hangups, habits and compulsive obsessive addictions.  I still pray for Jesus to take them, cure me, fix me and make me whole.  I love the joy in my heart, but my peace seems to be gone.  I prayed this morning for it to come back and be restored.  I know my Jesus will fix me, cure me and restore me.  My faith is such that I don't have to see to believe and I know He will fulfill my needs, desires and wants.  My God is Awesome, Strong, and He can set you free.  

We had revival this week with Dr. David Allen doing the services at night.  He gave us a powerful prayer to pray this week, and I will never stop.  I posted this under my status this morning on Facebook and will now share it here:  Jesus do anything in me that You need to do, in order to do everything through me You want to do.  Amen. 

Think about that sentence..  Then pray earnestly with a humble heart.  God will answer, but be prepared for the answer.  Love, L


People & Personalities

We as human beings, wear many different hats in our lives.  As a woman, I am a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, wife, daughter in law, cousin, and niece, but I also wear these hats, janitor, teacher, maid, bookkeeper, writer, student, landscaper, cook, trainer, laundress, friend, confidant, nurse, and I believe the list can go on forever.  The one title that is most important to me is Christian and Child of God. 

I realize that with each hat we wear, we can be a little different.  For the most part, I try to be the same person with all hats because the hat that I never take off is the one "Child of God."  Because of that hat, that is the person I want every one to see whether I am at church, praising God, at home, at the grocery store, cleaning, doing yard work or just living day to day.  I have a hard time understand why our personalities change because of what we are doing, or where we are working.  It doesn't make sense to me!  I know it happens, because when I was in Corporate America I was different than when I was at home.  But should we be?  Why is it necessary for us to be one person at church and another at home, or in the world?   

Any thoughts?  Comments?   Have a Blessed & God Filled Day!  Love, L.

The Awesomeness of God (I know that is probably now a Word)

Okay, All I can say is WOW!!!!  Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in and for you to have one of those Ah Ha moments in your life, but I recently had one of those.... Like Saturday night... and it was all because I tried to do something before God was ready for me to do it.  The end of the week was really horrendous, but I tried really hard not to dwell on a couple of things that happened and I did okay.  I've been praying for weeks now, giving God control of my life every morning, asking for strength and energy to face each day, one day at a time, and I've also prayed giving Him my life to use as He sees fit, in whatever His will might be.  I've had really really good days, and weeks.  My relationship and walk with God has grown immensely.  It seems I learn something new each and every day.  I can't soak up enough of God's word, and I find myself reading more and more... I'm actually reading a book on Basic Theology now as well and for those of you who don't know, I've been attending recovery and working through some participant's guide. 

Today I finished the second guide, but yesterday afternoon, I was finally able to sit down and finish my self-inventory of my past, my hurts, hangups, habits and addictive compulsive behavior.  It is very exhausting when you take an inventory of your life... although mine may not be as bad as some or as good as others, it was bad for me.  Every one's life is different, and as discussed in the last meeting there is a wide road or the straight and narrow path that you can choose.  A lot of us at some point in our life, travel that wide road and it takes a lot for us to get back on the straight and narrow.  My husband has been wonderful through this journey with me.  He attends meetings when he can, but he is always there to answer a bible question or help me find scripture or just to listen and hold me when I cry.  There have been days when I couldn't have made it without him and I definitely could make it without GOD!. 

So here's my revelation that I want to share.  After completing my inventory, I realized that there are going to be people who don't know that they have hurt me or know that they have hurt me but don't care, even though they proclaim to be Christian and then there are going to be those that even though I approach them to ask for forgiveness or to forgive them, they are going to turn their backs or laugh in my face  and I'm okay with that, because at that point I have done all I can do.  I've forgiven myself and Jesus has forgiven me.  From that point forward it is between them and God. 

I still have to complete my journey down my road to recovery and I know that I am well on my way to the end as well as on my way to a deeper relationship with my Jesus.  I'm hope to complete my guides soon, but even then, I will probably not stop going to meetings.  I love being around people who accept you for who you are, don't expect anything, and are always happy to see you no matter what.  I've made several friends, and lots of acquaintances and will probably have more before it is all said and done.  I'm starting to trust people again, but it is still fragile, but I know God is there and I can trust Him to take care of me and help me to triumph. 

Here is some more testimony that I know I'm on the right track. Last night we were not having regular church service.  We had a concert by Harmony Quartet.  I didn't really want to go.  My leg had been hurting since Saturday and after the morning service it kept kind of going out so to speak.  I would be able to stand for two or three minutes but then it would be okay.  Anyway, I told Norman that I really didn't want to go.  All he said was that you will miss a blessing.  So being a dutiful wife, I got up and dressed to come back to church, and I'm glad I did.  It was an Ah ha moment for sure.  The group was awesome!  Wonderful voices, singing some old hymns, song they had written and then the bass player sang a song.  It was at that moment, that God said, "This is for you.  Listen closely my child."  I get goosebumps or Godbumps as my sister calls them, thinking about it now.  The name of the song is, "Grace one more time."  It talks about walking down the road one day and sin was in the way and instead of going around, it couldn't be avoided.  It says as I cried and tears streamed down, I felt the warm hand of my savior and as he held my face and wiped my tears away, he said I am with you my child, now go and please me, and He gave me grace one more time. 

GOD is always there to pick us up when we needed to be held.  There to carry us when can no longer go on.  I know that without a doubt He has big plans for me.  My husband says that right now, we are being called to service at Emory Baptist.  He is right.  I know that we are suppose to be there, not exactly what for yet, but God will reveal in His time.  I hope this blog gives others hope and shows that no matter what God's grace is sufficient and it doesn't matter what you have done; He will forgive you.  If you are not one of God's children, I pray that you will ask Him into your heart, and that you will see the light of His grace and the love of serving Him.  May you have a God Filled Day.  Love, L

What Kind of Recovery?

This question has been posed to me at least twice or maybe three times in the last month.  What kind of recovery are you going through?  That is a really good question.  Most times when you mention recovery, most people automatically assume that you are recovering from alcohol abuse or drug abuse but there are other reasons to go to a recovery group.  What are those reasons?  Well it could be that you have just lost a loved one, gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, or maybe a mentally abusive relationship.  It could be that you have an addiction to food, or you have an eating disorder, all of which are usually caused by something painful in your past or some hurt you have suffered.  Maybe you were sexually molested as a child or rape when you were older.  Maybe you felt like an outsider in your own home or felt you weren't loved.  Maybe you were given up for adoption and feel like your parents didn't care, or maybe you have gone through a divorce and your relationship with your children suffered, or maybe your children were taken from you for some reason.  There are many reasons a person might start attending a recovery group.  It maybe that someone they are close to has issues with drugs, alcohol, sex, food, gambling, physical, mental or emotional abuse.  You never know about someone's life by looking at them and therefore should never judge a person until you have walked in their shoes, but I digress.

I've thought about my reasons for going and I originally thought it was because I needed help to forgive myself from my drug use and alcohol use, but it has been over 20 years since I've used drugs and I haven't had a drink of alcohol since December 31, 2009.  So part of recovery is self-examination, you are required to do a self inventory of your life.  You list people you feel have hurt you, what the hurt was and what it caused in your life.  You also have to list people you have hurt, and why maybe that you did that, and who else did it hurt.  I've come to the realization that part of my hurt is perception.  People may not have realized that what they said hurt.  Some people are not aware that a simple word can hurt a person and mark them for life. 

There were somethings that I remember that hurt and I never said anything to anyone.  Being sexually molested was one of them.  I went to a counselor when I was older and he was retarded.  He misconstrued what I was saying and instead of rocking the boat, I just let it go.  (BIG MISTAKE!)  Until I got married, I was never able to sleep in a dark room, with my back to an open door or sleep with the door opened and if it was closed, it was locked. 

My weight was another issue.  Here comes the catch 22.  I wanted to be married, loved, in a relationship, but I was afraid to let anyone close.  If I was fat, no one would want me and I was safe, but I was lonely.  So with this came an eating disorder.  I'm a compulsive over eater, which is very dangerous and can cause major health issues. 

So why do I go to recovery?  Because I'm accepted just the way I am, look, sound, feel, smiling or not, and I'm loved for who I am.  What is recovery doing for me?  I have renewed my relationship with GOD.  I'm putting my life together, and giving control of it to GOD.  I want only to live for HIM.  What's that doing for my marriage?  Making it the most awesome thing in the world, next to GOD.  I'm safe, secure, wanted, loved, needed and it makes me look at the positive side of things.  What do I hope to accomplish?  To be able to approach those that have hurt me and tell them what they did and tell them I forgive them.  To be able to approach those that I have hurt and hope that they will forgive me.  Am I scare?  My heart skips a beat every time I think about it.  Will I succeed?  Yes with God's help, the support of my husband, family and the recovery group, I will make it through this and then I hope to be there to help others through there recovery. 

Hopefully this answers some questions that people have asked.  Is this a complete list above?  No way, but another thing I have realized, is that I'm not sure I can ever have a complete list.  My memories are not all that good and I can only remember a few things about my life before the age of 12.  Not sure why, but I know God will show them to me when the time comes.

I hope that if you are suffering for any kind of hurt, habit, hangup, loss or addiction, you will seek out a recovery group.  Celebrate recovery is a christian based program and they do have a website.  Go check it out.  May you all be Blessed with God's light.  Love, L

I Try

In recent weeks I have handed my life to God.  Although He never left me, I turned away from Him and thought He had turned His back on me.  I'm trying to live one day at a time, and let Jesus take care of my hurts, hangups, habits and addictive compulsive behaviors, because I know that without Him, there is no cure, and my life is meaningless.  I want everything I do to shine so bright with Him, that everyone will want to know who He is and how they can have Him in their life.  My brother in law has a bible verse that he frequently mentions.  I think I'm going to adopt it for my motto.  It is  "Abstain from the appearance of all evil."  1 Thessalonians 5:22.  Think about that scripture.  Think about what is evil.  Think about what you do, say, wear, think, consume, and portray to others around you.  Is there anything you do that would not appear to be good?  Would not appear to be Christian?  

This is a conversation my husband and I often have.  It doesn't say in the bible that you can drink.  But it does say that your body is a temple and to treat it right.  Here is another thought.  How can you drink yourself drunk and proclaim to be a Christian?  I mean it is a little hard to testify to the person behind the cash register what Jesus has done in your life, and how He has helped you when you are in there every week buying a case or two of beer.  What kind of testimony is that!  It is the same with the way you speak, act, and what you wear and how you portray yourself to others.  Don't be a hypocrite!  Don't attend church on a regular basis and then spend Friday and Saturday night drinking, drugging or whatever.

Be honest with yourself.  Get your heart right with Jesus and then get your life right and live like you are a Christian.  That you love Jesus Christ with all your heart.  Don't blame everyone else for what is happening in your life because of the way you live.  Take responsibility and get on your knees and ask for God's forgiveness and get back on the right track. 

Now for those of you who are going to read this and read more into than is there, I have one word... DON'T.  This is aim at no one, but I just lost my temper, yelled at someone on the phone and cursed really loudly.  I was immediately convicted for my sins and I hit my knees and cried and asked Jesus to forgive me.  So before you think I'm pointing fingers at you!  I'm not!. 

However, I hope you will all read this and think hard about it.  May your day be completely Filled with God.  The one and only true Living God!.  I have eternal life because He died for me and rose again.  I want to do all I can to bring Him glory.  How about you other Christians?  What is your goal for bring glory to God?

A step forward in my journey

I started my self inventory and was able to share in our recovery meeting last night.  We are in small groups and it makes it so much easier to share.  I still get very emotional about things, but last night I talked about the compulsive eating disorder and one of the ladies prayed with me individually after group. 

We always start a group session off with a prayer for everyone there, and to bless the food.  Then after we break into smaller groups to share and go over the questions in the books, we pray before we start and we always close with a prayer.  Everyone is very nice. 

It is amazing at some of the stories and the feelings that get shared.  When you look at a person that you pass on the street or see in a crowd or even that you see every Sunday at church, you have no idea what that person has gone through, going through or is trying to overcome. 

There is one thing that we all have in common in the group and that is Jesus Christ.  He is our higher power and without Him, there is not cure for our hurts, hangups, or addictive compulsive behaviors.  He is the only one that can cure us and it is a struggle for us to give up control.  Last night as I shared, I stated that everyday, I ask Jesus to take control of my life and I freely give it to Him.  I ask only to live my life for Him, doing whatever He would have me do.  I explained to an accountability partner last night, that I know that before I can go forward with a life for living strictly for Christ, that I have to finish my journey down the road to recovery.  She said, "Yes it is one step at a time.  One day at a time.  Stay in the Word and when you start to feel things going astray, pray."  She is very sweet and you can see the joy and happiness in her face.  She looked at me last night and said, "You look so much better this week.  I can see the difference in your face."  It made me feel good that she could see the light of the Lord in my face. 

I'm not sure what God has in store for me once I finish my journey, but I know that it will be His will, His time, and at a place where He things I need to be.

May you all have a God Filled weekend.  Love, L

Road to Recovery - Self Inventory - July 19, 2010

Today I had set aside to do my self inventory for recovery.  I went to the bedroom, lay down on the bed with pen and paper.  I stared at a blank sheet of paper until I fell asleep.  Even though the book tells you how and what to do, it is a lot harder than I had anticipated. 

It says to go back as far as you can remember and to start there.  Some of my memories I'm not sure are memories, but maybe they were dreams.  The earliest hurt I can remember was when I was 14.  It kind of ruin my summer and my teenager perspective.

Although I will share my road to recovery, I won't be sharing my self inventory, just the steps and the how I'm doing trying to finish and accomplish it.  I do know this, and it was an "a-ha" moment this weekend.  What I know is this, that until I complete my recovery, I cannot move on with what God has in store for me and my husband.  I have given control of my life to God.  Everyday, I pray for God to show me where and what I need to be.  Now I know there are some that will say that I don't need to do that everyday, but I do, because of recovery, I'm learning to live one day at a time, and for me to do that, I have to hand to God everyday. 

I want to live my life for God, using my God given talent.  I'm not sure exactly where that will be or what exactly He will give me to do, but I do know this, that I'm ready or will be soon.  I'm not talking about going into the foreign mission fields or anything like that, but maybe it is just that I need to be there for someone to talk to, but whatever it is that He wants me to do, my life is His. 

My husband and I both have put God first in our lives.  My husband is second in mine as I am second in his.  Our families are next, then our jobs.  We just discussed this in Sunday School along with Spiritual gifts. 

On a side note, they lady I asked to be my sponsor has accepted on a trial basis.  I'm getting her a copy of the 8 principles and the 12 steps comparison.  I have it ready to take to her in the morning. 

I'm going to continue to persevere and I will make it through this part.  I just need to get started and I'm sure the rest will flow. 

Principle 4:  Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God and to someone I trust.

"Happy are the pure in heart."  Matthew 5:8

Step 4:  We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord."  Lamentations 3:40.

May you have a God Filled Day!

L

On the Road - July 16, 2010

My journey down the road to recovery is very emotional.  In a post or so back I talked about getting a sponsor. After some major praying and a talk with the Associate pastor, I asked a lady at church.  I gave her the responsibilities and she said she felt unqualified.  I told her not to worry and just to pray about it.  I told her if she decide against, that was fine and I would understand. 

I have continued to work the book and I'm on principle 4/step 4 - Self Inventory.  I've done all I can do now until I take inventory.  I have a form, and since I have arrived at this step, my sleep has become even more erratic.  I sleep 5 or 10 minutes, jerk awake because of a dream and then lay awake for 10 or 15 minutes and the ritual starts all over. 

This is very important that I finish this.  I will not let Satan win and cause me to turn away.  I feel like I have accomplish much already and know that once this is done, I will be able to forgive and ask for forgiveness from those I've wronged.  Remember Jesus is the only one that ever forgets.  We as sinners or saved sinners, remember.  It is a way that keeps us on the straight and narrow, because if we remember the pain, then we won't go down that road again.  Now I know there are some that will disagree with that statement and that is your option.  It is however, the way I believe, and it is what is taught in Recovery. 

I'm sure that before it is all said and done, I will experience more pain, sadness, and tears, but I will also experience happiness, love and joy remembering the good things.  I have a major support team so I know that I will succeed, and then maybe I can be there to help someone else make that same journey or a similar journey down the road to recovery.  Right now, I just try to live One day at a time, and with my Savior's help, I'm succeeding.  God Bless!

July 8, 2010 - I attended Recovery tonight

It is just after nine o'clock at night and I had to write about my recovery group meeting tonight.  It was such a struggle for me to even go tonight.  I had to push myself out the door and across the street, but it was all worth it.  The group leader met me at the door and I got a nice big hug and immediately started to cry.  It has been such a battle over the last few weeks which I understand is pretty normal working through the first book, but I've been told that the next book will be an even bigger struggle.  I don't care.  God is with me, He never left.  I was the one that lost faith and sank.  Jesus reached into the water and pulled me up recently.  I'm swimming again.  That is the message of our group, "Sink or Swim".  I've chosen to swim. 

I know the next steps are a self-inventory.  I must also find a sponsor and or an accountability person.  I'm praying that God will lead me to that person or people.  A few people have suggested I find an AA meeting to attend or get the book as well or the NA group and the book.  I don't want to be overwhelmed with reading.  Some days it is all I can do just to get through the day, must less read more than just my recovery books.  I may look up the AA meeting here in town and see about it. 

Next week we are going to meet as a big group again.  I'm not sure I'm prepared for that, but I know that God will see me through.  I have such joy in my heart tonight, and I'm pretty sure there is a smile on my face. 
So for those that are reading here is who I am:  I'm a drug addict, a drunk, I have compulsive obsessive disorder and I'm a compulsive overeater.  I molested at the age of 14 by someone I trusted.  These are a few of the reasons I'm attending recovery.  Now I could have said "I was in a bad place.  But now I'm here."  That doesn't tell anyone my story, and as I take the self inventory over the next few weeks, I will share more of my story.  God will tell me what I should share and what I shouldn't, but I'm not ashamed of who I was, because now more than anything, I know that I am a child of God, and He never left me.  I just took my eyes off of Him.  Now with His help, my hurts, habits, hangups and addictive compulsive behavior will be taken care of.  He has control over my life, not me.  He is my higher power, not Satan, not man.  God is my teacher and the Lord of my salvation.  I wait for Him every day.   May you all have a God filled night and a Blessed day tomorrow. 

Psalm 25:5 (King James Version)
5Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.

I have been clean for 23 years, 130 days and sober for 189 days.