The Awesomeness of God

I've been blogging for quite awhile now and there are times when I really wonder if anyone reads what I write.  Not that I should be recognize, but sometimes just because I wonder if anyone else has the same thoughts that I have about things, especially God, Faith, Scripture and religion in general. 

Over that last few weeks or maybe the last couple of months, it just seemed that no matter how hard I or we tried to get things caught up and together, another obstacle would smack us.  I have tried on many occasions to just "Let Go" and "Let God", but that is extremely hard to do.  I have a running conversation going on with God most days.  Some times it is just me talking or thinking about life and asking why things happen the way they do.  Other times, it is on my knees or laying prone asking God to please help me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't just go to Him when we are having difficult times, I thank Him all the time for the things we have, the things He has provide, because I know that without God our lives would be meaningless. 

I usually write on here about attending recovery and what the experience is like.  Most of the time, I don't get any comments, but my last post received a comment from a new follower.  We will just call her T for the moment.  She is struggling, and I want to ask for my followers of this blog to pray for her.  She is trying to get well, and complete recovery.  She state that I had inspired her!  I was amazed.  Never have I thought of myself as an inspiration to anyone.  But if my posts on here can help her, I'm here for her and I want to share more to show her that it is possible. 

So with all that being said, I am going to try to get through the Amends portion of recovery.  I'm going to write letters to the people I need to write them to and get it all on paper.  Now it will be in God's hands whether or not I give those letters out, or just put them in a box to be found when I'm dead and gone from this world.  Either way, I need to complete this step.  I want T to be able to complete her recovery and go through the steps and succeed. 

A word to anyone else who might have addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food or anything that is an addiction, you can succeed, but you have to really want it.  You need God, you need scriptures, and the best recovery steps are those that have a biblical background or so I feel.  Celebrate Recovery is an excellent program.  Check your local churches.  Remember you have to really want it!  You can't do it alone, but God is always with you no matter what the circumstances.

God Bless you all!  I'm here for your T. 

Love, L

What Kind of Recovery?

This question has been posed to me at least twice or maybe three times in the last month.  What kind of recovery are you going through?  That is a really good question.  Most times when you mention recovery, most people automatically assume that you are recovering from alcohol abuse or drug abuse but there are other reasons to go to a recovery group.  What are those reasons?  Well it could be that you have just lost a loved one, gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, or maybe a mentally abusive relationship.  It could be that you have an addiction to food, or you have an eating disorder, all of which are usually caused by something painful in your past or some hurt you have suffered.  Maybe you were sexually molested as a child or rape when you were older.  Maybe you felt like an outsider in your own home or felt you weren't loved.  Maybe you were given up for adoption and feel like your parents didn't care, or maybe you have gone through a divorce and your relationship with your children suffered, or maybe your children were taken from you for some reason.  There are many reasons a person might start attending a recovery group.  It maybe that someone they are close to has issues with drugs, alcohol, sex, food, gambling, physical, mental or emotional abuse.  You never know about someone's life by looking at them and therefore should never judge a person until you have walked in their shoes, but I digress.

I've thought about my reasons for going and I originally thought it was because I needed help to forgive myself from my drug use and alcohol use, but it has been over 20 years since I've used drugs and I haven't had a drink of alcohol since December 31, 2009.  So part of recovery is self-examination, you are required to do a self inventory of your life.  You list people you feel have hurt you, what the hurt was and what it caused in your life.  You also have to list people you have hurt, and why maybe that you did that, and who else did it hurt.  I've come to the realization that part of my hurt is perception.  People may not have realized that what they said hurt.  Some people are not aware that a simple word can hurt a person and mark them for life. 

There were somethings that I remember that hurt and I never said anything to anyone.  Being sexually molested was one of them.  I went to a counselor when I was older and he was retarded.  He misconstrued what I was saying and instead of rocking the boat, I just let it go.  (BIG MISTAKE!)  Until I got married, I was never able to sleep in a dark room, with my back to an open door or sleep with the door opened and if it was closed, it was locked. 

My weight was another issue.  Here comes the catch 22.  I wanted to be married, loved, in a relationship, but I was afraid to let anyone close.  If I was fat, no one would want me and I was safe, but I was lonely.  So with this came an eating disorder.  I'm a compulsive over eater, which is very dangerous and can cause major health issues. 

So why do I go to recovery?  Because I'm accepted just the way I am, look, sound, feel, smiling or not, and I'm loved for who I am.  What is recovery doing for me?  I have renewed my relationship with GOD.  I'm putting my life together, and giving control of it to GOD.  I want only to live for HIM.  What's that doing for my marriage?  Making it the most awesome thing in the world, next to GOD.  I'm safe, secure, wanted, loved, needed and it makes me look at the positive side of things.  What do I hope to accomplish?  To be able to approach those that have hurt me and tell them what they did and tell them I forgive them.  To be able to approach those that I have hurt and hope that they will forgive me.  Am I scare?  My heart skips a beat every time I think about it.  Will I succeed?  Yes with God's help, the support of my husband, family and the recovery group, I will make it through this and then I hope to be there to help others through there recovery. 

Hopefully this answers some questions that people have asked.  Is this a complete list above?  No way, but another thing I have realized, is that I'm not sure I can ever have a complete list.  My memories are not all that good and I can only remember a few things about my life before the age of 12.  Not sure why, but I know God will show them to me when the time comes.

I hope that if you are suffering for any kind of hurt, habit, hangup, loss or addiction, you will seek out a recovery group.  Celebrate recovery is a christian based program and they do have a website.  Go check it out.  May you all be Blessed with God's light.  Love, L

Recovery Meeting Number 5

In this week's meeting we started over with book 1 of the celebrate recovery workbooks.  They had completed book 4 last week.  We broke out into two groups, men and women.  It was good to sit with just the ladies and listen.  I still haven't spoke out.  This week we discuss Denial and how to overcome it.  I have completed the lessons that go with this Principle 1/Step 1.  It has made me stop and think about a lot of things, but it has brought back to surface many feelings and hurts that I had blocked or just buried.  It scares me some of the feelings and thoughts I am having and experiencing now. 

Before I started book 1, my husband and I talked about what might happen to me going through recovery.  I was afraid of the person I might find at the end of it, and that he might not love me like he does.  I was and still am afraid it will change our marriage.  He still holds firm that it will only make me a better person, and that he will still love me.  It still doesn't keep me from worrying or being afraid.  I know it is the devil making me feel all of this.  I know that Jesus Christ is my higher power, and not Satan.  Satan wants me to stumble.  He doesn't want me to be filled with joy.  He comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Satan has worked hard on me this weekend.  I've pulled away and secluded myself from my husband.  I don't like hurting the people I love, and I know that is what I am doing, but can't stop myself.  I worked on Principle 2/Step 2 yesterday and I am now at the questions. 

This is very hard to do and it makes you examine every inch of your life and soul.  You may not like what you find when you get to the center.  It has made me stop and think that maybe I'm not ready for this yet.  But then, if I don't try, would I ever be ready?

There is a prayer that goes with Principle 2/Step 2.  I've made myself a note to pray it everyday.  Here is Principle 2:  Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

Here is the prayer: 

Dear God, I have tried to "fix" and "control" my life's hurts, hangups or habits all by myself.  I admit that, by myself, I am powerless to change.  I need to begin to believe and receive Your power to help me recover.  You loved me enough to send Your Son to the cross to die for my sins.  Help me be open to the hope that I can only find in Him.  Please help me to start living my life one day at a time.  In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

I hope as you read this, you will think about that prayer.  I believe that everyone has something that they need Jesus to fix for them.  I believe that even if you don't think you do, you probably do have something in your past whether it is a hurt, a hangup or a habit, it is something you can not get past without Jesus.  I wish only a God Filled day for everyone.  Love, L