A letter for recovery

To friends of the past:

I have friends out there that have turned their backs on me, made statements about how I was evil, rude, crude, and abrupt.  You sometimes walked away when I needed you as my friends the most.  If I ever offended you, hurt your feelings or made you feel bad in anyway, I apologize and ask you to forgive me. 

There were times when I confessed my soul to you, told you of issues only to have you stab me in the back and turn away or side with others against me.  I was made to feel stupid, and that I was in the wrong especially when I was ask to call each member of a department and apologize.  Some of you as friends were my bosses which made it even more difficult.  What I learned from you is that even friends/bosses/managers cannot be trusted, but I forgive you.

I am trying hard to forgive and forget.  I truly want to move forward in my life, and as long as I harbor these feelings I know I can’t. 

This is my first attempt at seeking those of you out that I feel hurt me, made me feel unwanted, unloved, and not worthy.  Some times what others perceive as being mean or sarcastic is actually a cry for help.   

I still find it hard to forget as the past has a way of coming back at the wrong time, but that is the devil’s way of retaining control of our sinful nature.  I may have to start over each and every day from this day forward, but I know that God is always by my side.  I’m hoping that my true friends will come forward and accept my apology.  I am hopeful that I do still have a few true friends out there, those that stand beside you no matter what, always have your back, and will always take your call no matter what time of night or day it is.

I love you all. 

My Letters For Recovery

Okay so I think I mentioned that I was going to write the letters to those I need answers from and either asking for them to apologize or seeking forgiveness.  Right now I have just started writing down questions and I am not really addressing it to a particular person, just kind of getting my thoughts down.  Some of it is not worth a whole letter and those are the things that I will address directly with the person or the people involved.  However, there are a few things that might need a letter of three or four pages, but that's okay. 

There is still the issue of whether or not I will send the letters to the people or person, or just hold them, and leave directions for my daughter or husband when I'm dead and gone.  I don't know how this is going to work exactly or if it will even help.  I have discovered though that it is not so much in the front of my brain any longer.  I'm not sure if that is because I'm occupied with school, work and the house, or if I'm making progress.  Whichever it is, God is the one in control. 

One of my devotionals this week was titled, "Truth Is Important".  The bible verse that it used was Proverbs 12:22.  "Lying lips are abomination to the LORD; but they that deal fairly are His delight. 
The title struck me and it made me think about what I say and how I say it.  There have been some times that people or a person has done or said something, and then asked if that was okay or say things like I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.  I have always just said that's okay and brushed it off.  However a couple of times, it wasn't okay.  The particular instance made me feel unimportant, and not cared for, and at the same time made me angry. 

I know that we are not suppose to do this amends or make amends if it is going to hurt the other person.  So I'm trying to keep that in mind, but isn't it hurting me by not addressing it? 

God Bless You All,
Love,
L

Amends On Finishing This Step in Recovery

I haven't attend recovery meetings in quite awhile.  I feel that I am at a place where I can't continue, and I don't want to attend meetings just for a meal.  I feel that I cannot complete this step in recovery because I can approach some people about what happened and ask them to forgive me or for me to let them know how they hurt me, or I really don't know what I'm trying to say here. 

I have somethings I need to let some people know but I don't think it is possible without hurting feelings.  A friend suggested I write letters and just don't mail them.  That is an option, but I've been writing some of these hurts down for a long time, and if that has help me, then how is writing a letter and not mailing it.  I feel that I am caught between a rock and a hard place. 

So I have started praying for God to show me how to handle this step.  I've been told that God will present the opportunities to make amends when it is His time, His will, and when it is the right place.  So I continually wait. 

On a side note, I made it past the one year mark of "no alcohol".  404 days.  I still have days when I would like a glass of wine or have a bourbon and coke, but it is not something I plan my life around or hold money back for, or let it control me.  I can walk down the aisle in the store and not want to pick it up and put it in my basket.  That I feel is an accomplishment. 

Have a God Filled Day!  If you struggled with this step in recovery, I would love to hear how you handled it.  Because at this point, I see no use in continuing if i can't finish this part.

Love, L