Emotions behind Letters of Recovery

 I sat today and started writing letters to help with my recovery.  The emotions that are moving through me today are almost surreal.  Between the emotions of this and life in general, I find myself on the verge of tears. 

Anger, hatred, abandonment, hurt, spite, disgust are just some of what I am feeling.  Being inferior, unworthy, judgmental, sarcastic, and wanting to strike out against those I truly love is difficult to keep under control. 

I am fighting with all my strength today and have called upon God many times.  Three different hymns keep going through my head all at the same time, and I’m very tired. 

Doing this is bringing back many memories and feelings that I don’t really want to deal with or have to deal with and I guess I really don’t have to.  I can walk away right now and never take another step forward.  Is that what I truly want?

I sometimes wish there was a switch that I could flip and become the person that has not bad experiences, no bad memories, no feelings of being a lone or deserted.  There is no one out there that has the perfect life. There is only one that was ever perfect and walked upon this earth. 

My emotions are on a roller coaster every day, each hour, every minute.  I fight constantly to keep this at bay, but I can’t be someone I’m not.  I don’t want to be someone I’m not. 

It has been 480 days since I’ve had anything alcoholic.  Yesterday I would have killed for a shot of tequila.  The want was so bad, I could almost taste it. 

I seem to be having difficulty finding what I need these days.  I have Jesus and I talk to Him probably more than He wants to hear from me.  The outside world has a big part in this, and I truly hate it when it takes over and I can’t get on top of the dirt. 

God hear my pleas!  Help me to sort this out and finish.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.