A letter for recovery

To friends of the past:

I have friends out there that have turned their backs on me, made statements about how I was evil, rude, crude, and abrupt.  You sometimes walked away when I needed you as my friends the most.  If I ever offended you, hurt your feelings or made you feel bad in anyway, I apologize and ask you to forgive me. 

There were times when I confessed my soul to you, told you of issues only to have you stab me in the back and turn away or side with others against me.  I was made to feel stupid, and that I was in the wrong especially when I was ask to call each member of a department and apologize.  Some of you as friends were my bosses which made it even more difficult.  What I learned from you is that even friends/bosses/managers cannot be trusted, but I forgive you.

I am trying hard to forgive and forget.  I truly want to move forward in my life, and as long as I harbor these feelings I know I can’t. 

This is my first attempt at seeking those of you out that I feel hurt me, made me feel unwanted, unloved, and not worthy.  Some times what others perceive as being mean or sarcastic is actually a cry for help.   

I still find it hard to forget as the past has a way of coming back at the wrong time, but that is the devil’s way of retaining control of our sinful nature.  I may have to start over each and every day from this day forward, but I know that God is always by my side.  I’m hoping that my true friends will come forward and accept my apology.  I am hopeful that I do still have a few true friends out there, those that stand beside you no matter what, always have your back, and will always take your call no matter what time of night or day it is.

I love you all. 

Emotions behind Letters of Recovery

 I sat today and started writing letters to help with my recovery.  The emotions that are moving through me today are almost surreal.  Between the emotions of this and life in general, I find myself on the verge of tears. 

Anger, hatred, abandonment, hurt, spite, disgust are just some of what I am feeling.  Being inferior, unworthy, judgmental, sarcastic, and wanting to strike out against those I truly love is difficult to keep under control. 

I am fighting with all my strength today and have called upon God many times.  Three different hymns keep going through my head all at the same time, and I’m very tired. 

Doing this is bringing back many memories and feelings that I don’t really want to deal with or have to deal with and I guess I really don’t have to.  I can walk away right now and never take another step forward.  Is that what I truly want?

I sometimes wish there was a switch that I could flip and become the person that has not bad experiences, no bad memories, no feelings of being a lone or deserted.  There is no one out there that has the perfect life. There is only one that was ever perfect and walked upon this earth. 

My emotions are on a roller coaster every day, each hour, every minute.  I fight constantly to keep this at bay, but I can’t be someone I’m not.  I don’t want to be someone I’m not. 

It has been 480 days since I’ve had anything alcoholic.  Yesterday I would have killed for a shot of tequila.  The want was so bad, I could almost taste it. 

I seem to be having difficulty finding what I need these days.  I have Jesus and I talk to Him probably more than He wants to hear from me.  The outside world has a big part in this, and I truly hate it when it takes over and I can’t get on top of the dirt. 

God hear my pleas!  Help me to sort this out and finish.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.

The Awesomeness of God

I've been blogging for quite awhile now and there are times when I really wonder if anyone reads what I write.  Not that I should be recognize, but sometimes just because I wonder if anyone else has the same thoughts that I have about things, especially God, Faith, Scripture and religion in general. 

Over that last few weeks or maybe the last couple of months, it just seemed that no matter how hard I or we tried to get things caught up and together, another obstacle would smack us.  I have tried on many occasions to just "Let Go" and "Let God", but that is extremely hard to do.  I have a running conversation going on with God most days.  Some times it is just me talking or thinking about life and asking why things happen the way they do.  Other times, it is on my knees or laying prone asking God to please help me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't just go to Him when we are having difficult times, I thank Him all the time for the things we have, the things He has provide, because I know that without God our lives would be meaningless. 

I usually write on here about attending recovery and what the experience is like.  Most of the time, I don't get any comments, but my last post received a comment from a new follower.  We will just call her T for the moment.  She is struggling, and I want to ask for my followers of this blog to pray for her.  She is trying to get well, and complete recovery.  She state that I had inspired her!  I was amazed.  Never have I thought of myself as an inspiration to anyone.  But if my posts on here can help her, I'm here for her and I want to share more to show her that it is possible. 

So with all that being said, I am going to try to get through the Amends portion of recovery.  I'm going to write letters to the people I need to write them to and get it all on paper.  Now it will be in God's hands whether or not I give those letters out, or just put them in a box to be found when I'm dead and gone from this world.  Either way, I need to complete this step.  I want T to be able to complete her recovery and go through the steps and succeed. 

A word to anyone else who might have addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food or anything that is an addiction, you can succeed, but you have to really want it.  You need God, you need scriptures, and the best recovery steps are those that have a biblical background or so I feel.  Celebrate Recovery is an excellent program.  Check your local churches.  Remember you have to really want it!  You can't do it alone, but God is always with you no matter what the circumstances.

God Bless you all!  I'm here for your T. 

Love, L

Amends On Finishing This Step in Recovery

I haven't attend recovery meetings in quite awhile.  I feel that I am at a place where I can't continue, and I don't want to attend meetings just for a meal.  I feel that I cannot complete this step in recovery because I can approach some people about what happened and ask them to forgive me or for me to let them know how they hurt me, or I really don't know what I'm trying to say here. 

I have somethings I need to let some people know but I don't think it is possible without hurting feelings.  A friend suggested I write letters and just don't mail them.  That is an option, but I've been writing some of these hurts down for a long time, and if that has help me, then how is writing a letter and not mailing it.  I feel that I am caught between a rock and a hard place. 

So I have started praying for God to show me how to handle this step.  I've been told that God will present the opportunities to make amends when it is His time, His will, and when it is the right place.  So I continually wait. 

On a side note, I made it past the one year mark of "no alcohol".  404 days.  I still have days when I would like a glass of wine or have a bourbon and coke, but it is not something I plan my life around or hold money back for, or let it control me.  I can walk down the aisle in the store and not want to pick it up and put it in my basket.  That I feel is an accomplishment. 

Have a God Filled Day!  If you struggled with this step in recovery, I would love to hear how you handled it.  Because at this point, I see no use in continuing if i can't finish this part.

Love, L

Making Amends: A Step to my Recovery

I haven't written about my journey through recovery for awhile because I'm sort of at a stand still.  I'm at the portion of recovery for making amends, seeking forgiveness and forgiving.  I'm not sure I can take this step.  Yesterday as a matter of fact, if I'd had any Jack Daniels in the house, I probably would have had a drink.  Sad thing is I'm so close to completing a year of being alcohol free, I would have kicked myself a thousand times afterwards and been angry. 

So I've been thinking about this step a lot.  There are some people who will take my apology, or what I'm seeking amends for and be the type of person to smile, say that's okay, or I love you and there is nothing to forgive, or I'm sorry.  However, there are some people who will not, and even though I will have done my part, and the next part is their responsibility or what they will be accountable for, it scares me to death to take that step.  Norman and I have had this conversation, and it is true what he has said and that is that some will not even acknowledge what you are doing or they will think they have done nothing wrong, or they will be vindictive and mean.  I guess that is what scares me the most.  My husband just takes whatever is said and shrugs it off.  I am not made that way and can't just shrug something off. 

I believe in being honest, truthful and have always said, "If you don't really want to know then don't ask me.  I will be honest."  I have tried in the last year to tone the way I reply to people so not to hurt anyone.  It takes a lot for me to do that.  I'm not sure what that says about me as a person.  If I constantly have to watch what I say and how I say it, does that make me a mean person.  I'm not.  I'm very tenderhearted actually. I cry over the stupidest emails especially if animals are involved.  I cry at movies that I shouldn't cry at, and I cry sometimes just because. 

Fear is a tactic of Satan, and I let him win a lot of times.  I will just back away, or avoid a situation, or look away from a person.  I didn't use to be the kind of person that backed down, no matter what.  But I guess I finally got tired of being called mean, rude, crude, abrupt, and angry.  I guess I finally felt defeated because I was trying to do a job, or be what I thought someone wanted me to be. 

I've let remarks go by without saying anything, and have been humiliated.  I have listened to things said by people I trusted and thought were friends only to find out there never really were.  It is the whole trust thing. 
So as I try to figure out how to complete this step, I stress over what will happen.  My sponsor said that God will let me know who and when to make amends to.  That it is in His time that all will come to pass.  I know this, but it still hangs out there looming over me like a great big sign.  "You Have To Finish This". 

I have attended a recovery meeting in about six weeks.  I will go back.  When?  Only God knows that, of that I'm sure.