I haven't attended a recovery meeting in three weeks. It is so emotionally draining working through the principles. I've dreamed every night since I started and the dreams are all too vivid, some almost to the point where I wonder if they are hidden memories from my childhood. There are things that I don't remember about growing up and some things that I think are memories but I'm not sure.
Working through the principles is bringing up a lot of questions that I can't answer. I'm afraid if I want to find the answers I'm going to have to ask my family things that may bring up some bad memories and I don't want to hurt anyone, but not having the answers is hurting me. So what do I do? I've started my journal again and I start the day with a prayer. I write my prayer, not for any reason, just seems to flow easier on paper than to speak it out loud.
I've started principle 3. HOPE. Principle 1 & 2 made me think hard about my salvation. It made me ask myself if I truly was a Christian. Had I really asked Jesus into my heart when I was twelve or was I just wanting to be like everyone in my Sunday School class? The doubts that were going through my head for the last three weeks caused me major anguish. I know without a doubt though that Jesus does live in my heart. It is just that my heart closed Him out for a while and now the pain of the repairing of it and letting Him live inside is sometimes more than I can handle.
Last week, I started a new life. A life that I gave to God again. I took all my burdens to Him and laid them at His feet. I pray every day now to be stronger and not to turn back and pick them up. It is very difficult but I am trying to learn to live one day at a time. I know that God is always there to pick me up when I fall, and I know that He has a purpose for me and my talents. Now I just need to sit and listen, waiting for His call.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
We didn't attend the recovery meeting last Thursday. My neighbor, a troubled 24 year old came to my house around five pm, because in a fit of anger he hit the wall with his fist, and he hit a stud in the wall. His hand wasn't broken, but it was swelling, so I iced it down for him. He stayed until the wee hours of the morning. We fed him supper and he and my husband talked. I listened and cleaned.
The reason I write about that, is because people deal with situations in their lives differently than others. He feels the need to hit something when his anger is out of control. I usually get quiet at first, and then usually something will set me off and I will yell, or I have been known to throw things.
Another thing I want to mention is this, just because someone doesn't walk around with a smile on their face, doesn't mean that they are angry, sad or mad at someone. It could be just that they are in deep thought, or maybe they are just trying to figure something out and aren't paying attention.
When we meet people, we have no idea what they are struggling with or going through. We are not suppose to judge people by appearance, or I don't think we should. If we see our brothers and sisters in Christ committing a sin, we are suppose to talk to them about what they are doing. Not judge them, but bring it to their attention.
We all fall short of Christ's glory. No one is perfect on this earth.
Someone told me yesterday that we can only own what we say, not how others take what is said. This is very true. Sometimes, I think, that when someone responds back to you negatively or questions something you said, it is an admission of guilt. Maybe they see themselves in what you said, but just can't own up to what is going on.
I know this blog is just rambling, but I felt the need to express it. May you all have a God Filled Day! Be Blessed in knowing that Christ's return is eminent. Love, L
The reason I write about that, is because people deal with situations in their lives differently than others. He feels the need to hit something when his anger is out of control. I usually get quiet at first, and then usually something will set me off and I will yell, or I have been known to throw things.
Another thing I want to mention is this, just because someone doesn't walk around with a smile on their face, doesn't mean that they are angry, sad or mad at someone. It could be just that they are in deep thought, or maybe they are just trying to figure something out and aren't paying attention.
When we meet people, we have no idea what they are struggling with or going through. We are not suppose to judge people by appearance, or I don't think we should. If we see our brothers and sisters in Christ committing a sin, we are suppose to talk to them about what they are doing. Not judge them, but bring it to their attention.
We all fall short of Christ's glory. No one is perfect on this earth.
Someone told me yesterday that we can only own what we say, not how others take what is said. This is very true. Sometimes, I think, that when someone responds back to you negatively or questions something you said, it is an admission of guilt. Maybe they see themselves in what you said, but just can't own up to what is going on.
I know this blog is just rambling, but I felt the need to express it. May you all have a God Filled Day! Be Blessed in knowing that Christ's return is eminent. Love, L
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Recovery Meeting Number 5
In this week's meeting we started over with book 1 of the celebrate recovery workbooks. They had completed book 4 last week. We broke out into two groups, men and women. It was good to sit with just the ladies and listen. I still haven't spoke out. This week we discuss Denial and how to overcome it. I have completed the lessons that go with this Principle 1/Step 1. It has made me stop and think about a lot of things, but it has brought back to surface many feelings and hurts that I had blocked or just buried. It scares me some of the feelings and thoughts I am having and experiencing now.
Before I started book 1, my husband and I talked about what might happen to me going through recovery. I was afraid of the person I might find at the end of it, and that he might not love me like he does. I was and still am afraid it will change our marriage. He still holds firm that it will only make me a better person, and that he will still love me. It still doesn't keep me from worrying or being afraid. I know it is the devil making me feel all of this. I know that Jesus Christ is my higher power, and not Satan. Satan wants me to stumble. He doesn't want me to be filled with joy. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. Satan has worked hard on me this weekend. I've pulled away and secluded myself from my husband. I don't like hurting the people I love, and I know that is what I am doing, but can't stop myself. I worked on Principle 2/Step 2 yesterday and I am now at the questions.
This is very hard to do and it makes you examine every inch of your life and soul. You may not like what you find when you get to the center. It has made me stop and think that maybe I'm not ready for this yet. But then, if I don't try, would I ever be ready?
There is a prayer that goes with Principle 2/Step 2. I've made myself a note to pray it everyday. Here is Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
Here is the prayer:
Dear God, I have tried to "fix" and "control" my life's hurts, hangups or habits all by myself. I admit that, by myself, I am powerless to change. I need to begin to believe and receive Your power to help me recover. You loved me enough to send Your Son to the cross to die for my sins. Help me be open to the hope that I can only find in Him. Please help me to start living my life one day at a time. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
I hope as you read this, you will think about that prayer. I believe that everyone has something that they need Jesus to fix for them. I believe that even if you don't think you do, you probably do have something in your past whether it is a hurt, a hangup or a habit, it is something you can not get past without Jesus. I wish only a God Filled day for everyone. Love, L
Before I started book 1, my husband and I talked about what might happen to me going through recovery. I was afraid of the person I might find at the end of it, and that he might not love me like he does. I was and still am afraid it will change our marriage. He still holds firm that it will only make me a better person, and that he will still love me. It still doesn't keep me from worrying or being afraid. I know it is the devil making me feel all of this. I know that Jesus Christ is my higher power, and not Satan. Satan wants me to stumble. He doesn't want me to be filled with joy. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. Satan has worked hard on me this weekend. I've pulled away and secluded myself from my husband. I don't like hurting the people I love, and I know that is what I am doing, but can't stop myself. I worked on Principle 2/Step 2 yesterday and I am now at the questions.
This is very hard to do and it makes you examine every inch of your life and soul. You may not like what you find when you get to the center. It has made me stop and think that maybe I'm not ready for this yet. But then, if I don't try, would I ever be ready?
There is a prayer that goes with Principle 2/Step 2. I've made myself a note to pray it everyday. Here is Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
Here is the prayer:
Dear God, I have tried to "fix" and "control" my life's hurts, hangups or habits all by myself. I admit that, by myself, I am powerless to change. I need to begin to believe and receive Your power to help me recover. You loved me enough to send Your Son to the cross to die for my sins. Help me be open to the hope that I can only find in Him. Please help me to start living my life one day at a time. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
I hope as you read this, you will think about that prayer. I believe that everyone has something that they need Jesus to fix for them. I believe that even if you don't think you do, you probably do have something in your past whether it is a hurt, a hangup or a habit, it is something you can not get past without Jesus. I wish only a God Filled day for everyone. Love, L
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
My journey through recovery
Tomorrow will be my 5th meeting with the Celebrate Recovery group at my church. I still very unsure in the meetings, not because anyone has said anything to me, it is actually quite the opposite. Everyone is very friendly, sharing, positive, and caring. That scares me! I have an issue with trust. I'm afraid to bare my soul to people. I told the leader last week, that I will never be able to get up in front of the group. He said that was okay, that we would be back to two smaller groups in a week. I think that time is tomorrow. I completed the first two lessons on the first principle/step 1.
Principle 1: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. Scripture: Matthew 5:3 Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable. Scripture: Romans 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
As I worked through this principle/step 1 there were two lessons. I was able to sit, think and be honest with my answers. However when I got to the next to the last question in lesson 2 I stumbled. I was unsure how to answer the question. Now some people are going to read this and go "well here's some areas I can think of where this would apply." My husband is bias and so he can't really help me on this one. But here is the question:
Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish?
Can you answer this question honestly? What would other people say? What would your family answer on your behalf?
I did write my answer down. I felt I was honest with myself, but I'm not sure other people would agree.
May you have a God Filled Day and Life.
L
P.S. My husband who says he doesn't need the group, but goes to support me, stood in front of the group and shared some things with them last week....GOD is so Awesome!!!
Principle 1: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. Scripture: Matthew 5:3 Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable. Scripture: Romans 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
As I worked through this principle/step 1 there were two lessons. I was able to sit, think and be honest with my answers. However when I got to the next to the last question in lesson 2 I stumbled. I was unsure how to answer the question. Now some people are going to read this and go "well here's some areas I can think of where this would apply." My husband is bias and so he can't really help me on this one. But here is the question:
Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish?
Can you answer this question honestly? What would other people say? What would your family answer on your behalf?
I did write my answer down. I felt I was honest with myself, but I'm not sure other people would agree.
May you have a God Filled Day and Life.
L
P.S. My husband who says he doesn't need the group, but goes to support me, stood in front of the group and shared some things with them last week....GOD is so Awesome!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)