In this week's meeting we started over with book 1 of the celebrate recovery workbooks. They had completed book 4 last week. We broke out into two groups, men and women. It was good to sit with just the ladies and listen. I still haven't spoke out. This week we discuss Denial and how to overcome it. I have completed the lessons that go with this Principle 1/Step 1. It has made me stop and think about a lot of things, but it has brought back to surface many feelings and hurts that I had blocked or just buried. It scares me some of the feelings and thoughts I am having and experiencing now.
Before I started book 1, my husband and I talked about what might happen to me going through recovery. I was afraid of the person I might find at the end of it, and that he might not love me like he does. I was and still am afraid it will change our marriage. He still holds firm that it will only make me a better person, and that he will still love me. It still doesn't keep me from worrying or being afraid. I know it is the devil making me feel all of this. I know that Jesus Christ is my higher power, and not Satan. Satan wants me to stumble. He doesn't want me to be filled with joy. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. Satan has worked hard on me this weekend. I've pulled away and secluded myself from my husband. I don't like hurting the people I love, and I know that is what I am doing, but can't stop myself. I worked on Principle 2/Step 2 yesterday and I am now at the questions.
This is very hard to do and it makes you examine every inch of your life and soul. You may not like what you find when you get to the center. It has made me stop and think that maybe I'm not ready for this yet. But then, if I don't try, would I ever be ready?
There is a prayer that goes with Principle 2/Step 2. I've made myself a note to pray it everyday. Here is Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
Here is the prayer:
Dear God, I have tried to "fix" and "control" my life's hurts, hangups or habits all by myself. I admit that, by myself, I am powerless to change. I need to begin to believe and receive Your power to help me recover. You loved me enough to send Your Son to the cross to die for my sins. Help me be open to the hope that I can only find in Him. Please help me to start living my life one day at a time. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
I hope as you read this, you will think about that prayer. I believe that everyone has something that they need Jesus to fix for them. I believe that even if you don't think you do, you probably do have something in your past whether it is a hurt, a hangup or a habit, it is something you can not get past without Jesus. I wish only a God Filled day for everyone. Love, L
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