I haven't attended a recovery meeting in three weeks. It is so emotionally draining working through the principles. I've dreamed every night since I started and the dreams are all too vivid, some almost to the point where I wonder if they are hidden memories from my childhood. There are things that I don't remember about growing up and some things that I think are memories but I'm not sure.
Working through the principles is bringing up a lot of questions that I can't answer. I'm afraid if I want to find the answers I'm going to have to ask my family things that may bring up some bad memories and I don't want to hurt anyone, but not having the answers is hurting me. So what do I do? I've started my journal again and I start the day with a prayer. I write my prayer, not for any reason, just seems to flow easier on paper than to speak it out loud.
I've started principle 3. HOPE. Principle 1 & 2 made me think hard about my salvation. It made me ask myself if I truly was a Christian. Had I really asked Jesus into my heart when I was twelve or was I just wanting to be like everyone in my Sunday School class? The doubts that were going through my head for the last three weeks caused me major anguish. I know without a doubt though that Jesus does live in my heart. It is just that my heart closed Him out for a while and now the pain of the repairing of it and letting Him live inside is sometimes more than I can handle.
Last week, I started a new life. A life that I gave to God again. I took all my burdens to Him and laid them at His feet. I pray every day now to be stronger and not to turn back and pick them up. It is very difficult but I am trying to learn to live one day at a time. I know that God is always there to pick me up when I fall, and I know that He has a purpose for me and my talents. Now I just need to sit and listen, waiting for His call.
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