July 8, 2010 - I attended Recovery tonight

It is just after nine o'clock at night and I had to write about my recovery group meeting tonight.  It was such a struggle for me to even go tonight.  I had to push myself out the door and across the street, but it was all worth it.  The group leader met me at the door and I got a nice big hug and immediately started to cry.  It has been such a battle over the last few weeks which I understand is pretty normal working through the first book, but I've been told that the next book will be an even bigger struggle.  I don't care.  God is with me, He never left.  I was the one that lost faith and sank.  Jesus reached into the water and pulled me up recently.  I'm swimming again.  That is the message of our group, "Sink or Swim".  I've chosen to swim. 

I know the next steps are a self-inventory.  I must also find a sponsor and or an accountability person.  I'm praying that God will lead me to that person or people.  A few people have suggested I find an AA meeting to attend or get the book as well or the NA group and the book.  I don't want to be overwhelmed with reading.  Some days it is all I can do just to get through the day, must less read more than just my recovery books.  I may look up the AA meeting here in town and see about it. 

Next week we are going to meet as a big group again.  I'm not sure I'm prepared for that, but I know that God will see me through.  I have such joy in my heart tonight, and I'm pretty sure there is a smile on my face. 
So for those that are reading here is who I am:  I'm a drug addict, a drunk, I have compulsive obsessive disorder and I'm a compulsive overeater.  I molested at the age of 14 by someone I trusted.  These are a few of the reasons I'm attending recovery.  Now I could have said "I was in a bad place.  But now I'm here."  That doesn't tell anyone my story, and as I take the self inventory over the next few weeks, I will share more of my story.  God will tell me what I should share and what I shouldn't, but I'm not ashamed of who I was, because now more than anything, I know that I am a child of God, and He never left me.  I just took my eyes off of Him.  Now with His help, my hurts, habits, hangups and addictive compulsive behavior will be taken care of.  He has control over my life, not me.  He is my higher power, not Satan, not man.  God is my teacher and the Lord of my salvation.  I wait for Him every day.   May you all have a God filled night and a Blessed day tomorrow. 

Psalm 25:5 (King James Version)
5Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.

I have been clean for 23 years, 130 days and sober for 189 days.

Recovery: Need A Sponsor

Although I haven't been attending the meetings at church for the last month, I have been working through my first book of the Celebrate Recovery work books.  I just finished the first book and have completed Principle 3.  I have picked up the second book and have read the first page of the first lesson three times.  In this book, it says I must have a sponsor, someone who will hold me accountable but it must be someone I can trust.

Trust, that is a major word for me.  Trusting people is one of the issues I have, and still have although I'm trying to learn to trust other people.  I know God is always there with me and I trust Him.  The last few weeks working through the book, I have questioned my salvation.  I wasn't really sure I had asked Jesus to live in my heart and be a part of my life.  It didn't feel like it some days and then other days, I knew God was there, but God is always there.  Taking these first steps in Recovery, I've learned two things for sure. 
One, that I cannot fix the hurts, hangups, habits, addictive behavior or compulsive behavior alone.  Jesus has to do that or help me to do it.  Second, I have no control over my life, but God does and I have given Him that control. 

I pray every morning now and write in my journal.  When I pray, I write.  It's like writing a letter to God.  I just save the postage.  Anyway, my search for a sponsor has started.  Someone suggested I interview a few people from church, but if I have to share my deepest darkest secrets, do I want someone from my church?  I don't know that I really want a stranger, but I have to trust this person to keep what I'm telling them to themselves?  Here is the trust issue.  What will I do?  Where will I find my sponsor?  I'm sure God will lead me to the person that needs to be my accountability partner. 

Live one day at a time.  You cannot change the past, and the future is in God's hands.  Let God have control of your life and it will become a life full of joy.  Have a God Filled Day.

The Emotions and Thoughts

I haven't attended a recovery meeting in three weeks.  It is so emotionally draining working through the principles.  I've dreamed every night since I started and the dreams are all too vivid, some almost to the point where I wonder if they are hidden memories from my childhood.  There are things that I don't remember about growing up and some things that I think are memories but I'm not sure. 

Working through the principles is bringing up a lot of questions that I can't answer.  I'm afraid if I want to find the answers I'm going to have to ask my family things that may bring up some bad memories and I don't want to hurt anyone, but not having the answers is hurting me.  So what do I do?  I've started my journal again and I start the day with a prayer.  I write my prayer, not for any reason, just seems to flow easier on paper than to speak it out loud. 

I've started principle 3.  HOPE.  Principle 1 & 2 made me think hard about my salvation.  It made me ask myself if I truly was a Christian.  Had I really asked Jesus into my heart when I was twelve or was I just wanting to be like everyone in my Sunday School class?  The doubts that were going through my head for the last three weeks caused me major anguish.  I know without a doubt though that Jesus does live in my heart.  It is just that my heart closed Him out for a while and now the pain of the repairing of it and letting Him live inside is sometimes more than I can handle. 

Last week, I started a new life.  A life that I gave to God again.  I took all my burdens to Him and laid them at His feet.  I pray every day now to be stronger and not to turn back and pick them up.  It is very difficult but I am trying to learn to live one day at a time.  I know that God is always there to pick me up when I fall, and I know that He has a purpose for me and my talents.  Now I just need to sit and listen, waiting for His call.