Making Amends: A Step to my Recovery

I haven't written about my journey through recovery for awhile because I'm sort of at a stand still.  I'm at the portion of recovery for making amends, seeking forgiveness and forgiving.  I'm not sure I can take this step.  Yesterday as a matter of fact, if I'd had any Jack Daniels in the house, I probably would have had a drink.  Sad thing is I'm so close to completing a year of being alcohol free, I would have kicked myself a thousand times afterwards and been angry. 

So I've been thinking about this step a lot.  There are some people who will take my apology, or what I'm seeking amends for and be the type of person to smile, say that's okay, or I love you and there is nothing to forgive, or I'm sorry.  However, there are some people who will not, and even though I will have done my part, and the next part is their responsibility or what they will be accountable for, it scares me to death to take that step.  Norman and I have had this conversation, and it is true what he has said and that is that some will not even acknowledge what you are doing or they will think they have done nothing wrong, or they will be vindictive and mean.  I guess that is what scares me the most.  My husband just takes whatever is said and shrugs it off.  I am not made that way and can't just shrug something off. 

I believe in being honest, truthful and have always said, "If you don't really want to know then don't ask me.  I will be honest."  I have tried in the last year to tone the way I reply to people so not to hurt anyone.  It takes a lot for me to do that.  I'm not sure what that says about me as a person.  If I constantly have to watch what I say and how I say it, does that make me a mean person.  I'm not.  I'm very tenderhearted actually. I cry over the stupidest emails especially if animals are involved.  I cry at movies that I shouldn't cry at, and I cry sometimes just because. 

Fear is a tactic of Satan, and I let him win a lot of times.  I will just back away, or avoid a situation, or look away from a person.  I didn't use to be the kind of person that backed down, no matter what.  But I guess I finally got tired of being called mean, rude, crude, abrupt, and angry.  I guess I finally felt defeated because I was trying to do a job, or be what I thought someone wanted me to be. 

I've let remarks go by without saying anything, and have been humiliated.  I have listened to things said by people I trusted and thought were friends only to find out there never really were.  It is the whole trust thing. 
So as I try to figure out how to complete this step, I stress over what will happen.  My sponsor said that God will let me know who and when to make amends to.  That it is in His time that all will come to pass.  I know this, but it still hangs out there looming over me like a great big sign.  "You Have To Finish This". 

I have attended a recovery meeting in about six weeks.  I will go back.  When?  Only God knows that, of that I'm sure. 

My journey through recovery

Tomorrow will be my 5th meeting with the Celebrate Recovery group at my church.  I still very unsure in the meetings, not because anyone has said anything to me, it is actually quite the opposite.  Everyone is very friendly, sharing, positive, and caring.  That scares me!  I have an issue with trust.  I'm afraid to bare my soul to people.  I told the leader last week, that I will never be able to get up in front of the group.  He said that was okay, that we would be back to two smaller groups in a week.  I think that time is tomorrow.  I completed the first two lessons on the first principle/step 1.

Principle 1:  Realize I'm not God.  I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.  Scripture:  Matthew 5:3  Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.

Step 1:  We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.  Scripture:  Romans 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

As I worked through this principle/step 1 there were two lessons.  I was able to sit, think and be honest with my answers.  However when I got to the next to the last question in lesson 2 I stumbled.  I was unsure how to answer the question.  Now some people are going to read this and go "well here's some areas I can think of where this would apply."  My husband is bias and so he can't really help me on this one.  But here is the question:

Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people.  In what areas of your life have you been selfish?

Can you answer this question honestly?  What would other people say?  What would your family answer on your behalf? 

I did write my answer down.  I felt I was honest with myself, but I'm not sure other people would agree. 

May you have a God Filled Day and Life. 
L

P.S. My husband who says he doesn't need the group, but goes to support me, stood in front of the group and shared some things with them last week....GOD is so Awesome!!!