I haven't written about my journey through recovery for awhile because I'm sort of at a stand still. I'm at the portion of recovery for making amends, seeking forgiveness and forgiving. I'm not sure I can take this step. Yesterday as a matter of fact, if I'd had any Jack Daniels in the house, I probably would have had a drink. Sad thing is I'm so close to completing a year of being alcohol free, I would have kicked myself a thousand times afterwards and been angry.
So I've been thinking about this step a lot. There are some people who will take my apology, or what I'm seeking amends for and be the type of person to smile, say that's okay, or I love you and there is nothing to forgive, or I'm sorry. However, there are some people who will not, and even though I will have done my part, and the next part is their responsibility or what they will be accountable for, it scares me to death to take that step. Norman and I have had this conversation, and it is true what he has said and that is that some will not even acknowledge what you are doing or they will think they have done nothing wrong, or they will be vindictive and mean. I guess that is what scares me the most. My husband just takes whatever is said and shrugs it off. I am not made that way and can't just shrug something off.
I believe in being honest, truthful and have always said, "If you don't really want to know then don't ask me. I will be honest." I have tried in the last year to tone the way I reply to people so not to hurt anyone. It takes a lot for me to do that. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person. If I constantly have to watch what I say and how I say it, does that make me a mean person. I'm not. I'm very tenderhearted actually. I cry over the stupidest emails especially if animals are involved. I cry at movies that I shouldn't cry at, and I cry sometimes just because.
Fear is a tactic of Satan, and I let him win a lot of times. I will just back away, or avoid a situation, or look away from a person. I didn't use to be the kind of person that backed down, no matter what. But I guess I finally got tired of being called mean, rude, crude, abrupt, and angry. I guess I finally felt defeated because I was trying to do a job, or be what I thought someone wanted me to be.
I've let remarks go by without saying anything, and have been humiliated. I have listened to things said by people I trusted and thought were friends only to find out there never really were. It is the whole trust thing.
So as I try to figure out how to complete this step, I stress over what will happen. My sponsor said that God will let me know who and when to make amends to. That it is in His time that all will come to pass. I know this, but it still hangs out there looming over me like a great big sign. "You Have To Finish This".
I have attended a recovery meeting in about six weeks. I will go back. When? Only God knows that, of that I'm sure.
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