What Kind of Recovery?

This question has been posed to me at least twice or maybe three times in the last month.  What kind of recovery are you going through?  That is a really good question.  Most times when you mention recovery, most people automatically assume that you are recovering from alcohol abuse or drug abuse but there are other reasons to go to a recovery group.  What are those reasons?  Well it could be that you have just lost a loved one, gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, or maybe a mentally abusive relationship.  It could be that you have an addiction to food, or you have an eating disorder, all of which are usually caused by something painful in your past or some hurt you have suffered.  Maybe you were sexually molested as a child or rape when you were older.  Maybe you felt like an outsider in your own home or felt you weren't loved.  Maybe you were given up for adoption and feel like your parents didn't care, or maybe you have gone through a divorce and your relationship with your children suffered, or maybe your children were taken from you for some reason.  There are many reasons a person might start attending a recovery group.  It maybe that someone they are close to has issues with drugs, alcohol, sex, food, gambling, physical, mental or emotional abuse.  You never know about someone's life by looking at them and therefore should never judge a person until you have walked in their shoes, but I digress.

I've thought about my reasons for going and I originally thought it was because I needed help to forgive myself from my drug use and alcohol use, but it has been over 20 years since I've used drugs and I haven't had a drink of alcohol since December 31, 2009.  So part of recovery is self-examination, you are required to do a self inventory of your life.  You list people you feel have hurt you, what the hurt was and what it caused in your life.  You also have to list people you have hurt, and why maybe that you did that, and who else did it hurt.  I've come to the realization that part of my hurt is perception.  People may not have realized that what they said hurt.  Some people are not aware that a simple word can hurt a person and mark them for life. 

There were somethings that I remember that hurt and I never said anything to anyone.  Being sexually molested was one of them.  I went to a counselor when I was older and he was retarded.  He misconstrued what I was saying and instead of rocking the boat, I just let it go.  (BIG MISTAKE!)  Until I got married, I was never able to sleep in a dark room, with my back to an open door or sleep with the door opened and if it was closed, it was locked. 

My weight was another issue.  Here comes the catch 22.  I wanted to be married, loved, in a relationship, but I was afraid to let anyone close.  If I was fat, no one would want me and I was safe, but I was lonely.  So with this came an eating disorder.  I'm a compulsive over eater, which is very dangerous and can cause major health issues. 

So why do I go to recovery?  Because I'm accepted just the way I am, look, sound, feel, smiling or not, and I'm loved for who I am.  What is recovery doing for me?  I have renewed my relationship with GOD.  I'm putting my life together, and giving control of it to GOD.  I want only to live for HIM.  What's that doing for my marriage?  Making it the most awesome thing in the world, next to GOD.  I'm safe, secure, wanted, loved, needed and it makes me look at the positive side of things.  What do I hope to accomplish?  To be able to approach those that have hurt me and tell them what they did and tell them I forgive them.  To be able to approach those that I have hurt and hope that they will forgive me.  Am I scare?  My heart skips a beat every time I think about it.  Will I succeed?  Yes with God's help, the support of my husband, family and the recovery group, I will make it through this and then I hope to be there to help others through there recovery. 

Hopefully this answers some questions that people have asked.  Is this a complete list above?  No way, but another thing I have realized, is that I'm not sure I can ever have a complete list.  My memories are not all that good and I can only remember a few things about my life before the age of 12.  Not sure why, but I know God will show them to me when the time comes.

I hope that if you are suffering for any kind of hurt, habit, hangup, loss or addiction, you will seek out a recovery group.  Celebrate recovery is a christian based program and they do have a website.  Go check it out.  May you all be Blessed with God's light.  Love, L